"Porn on the Internet: Is Website Porn Causing Jealousy Problems in Your Relationship?"
by Susie and Otto Collins

One problem that is a big jealousy trigger is website porn. Here's an
example of a question we frequently get from people who are
struggling with this issue:

"Is it natural to get jealous over porn or do you think I should get
over it because my boyfriend doesn't see it as a problem but I don't
like him doing it. It upsets me."

Here's what we say to people who are faced with this problem…

Website porn is a pretty common problem between some couples, with
one person doing it and the other person being upset by it. For
whatever reason, the person viewing the website porn gets something
out of doing it that he/she's not getting any other way. What often happens
in this "relationship dance" is the person enjoying the porn, in whatever
form, defends his/her actions by telling the other person in their
relationship that this is "normal" and their jealousy is unwarranted.  The
person may want to quit but doesn't know how and goes back to doing
it again and again.

The person who is jealous generally feels confused, unattractive, not
desireable and maybe even wondering if he/she is "wrong" to feel this
way. Because he/she loves their partner, they don't want to feel this way
but is still upset and feels like something is not right-either with them,
their partner or with their relationship.

If your partner is indulging in website porn and you are jealous, we would
suggest that you start with YOU and not with your partner's activities that
you find uncomfortable. We suggest that it is time for you to look within
yourself and ask what you are not getting from your partner and your
relationship that you are wanting.

Get pen and paper and answer these questions and elaborate on what it
is you want in an intimate relationship.

*Do you want more attention?
*More connection?
*More time with him or her?
*More emotional response from him or her?
*More presence?
*More love?
*More respect?

--What's missing? What do you want more of?

Give yourself the time and the space to discover what kind of
relationship you want and how you want to be treated by a partner.

When you have a clear idea of what you want, ask for it without
blaming or accusing him/her.

Please know that your partner may not change their porn habit even if
they seem willing. This may not be a habit that he/she truly wants to
give up because there is probably some void within them that this
activity fills or attempts to fill for a moment. Until your partner
decides that he/she no longer needs to do this, wants to change, and
actually gets help, your relationship will stay the same.

If he/she is not willing to give it to you or at least start trying to move in
that direction by getting some help to deal with his/her addiction, you
have some decisions to make about whether you want to stay with this
person and be treated in this way. We would say that you aren't jealous
of over the porn but rather you are feeling lack in your relationship with
him/her. Something's missing and until you discover what you want, you'll
never have it. Quit focusing on the porn and focus on moving toward
more of what you want in your relationship. You deserve it! We all
do.