Relationship Tips for How to Let Go of the Jealousy Habit

By Susie and Otto Collins

Everyone has habits— tendencies that we’ve repeated for years and years. When it comes to habits, some help keep us at our best and others just bring us down. A habit of eating a salad every day or going for a walk during your lunch break will definitely further your intention to be a healthier person. The jealousy habit, on the other hand, is a tendency that gets in the way of you being the joyous and happy person you want to be.

You might read in some magazines that jealousy can actually spice up your relationship-- that it is beneficial. Not only do we not agree with claims such as these, we have found just the opposite in our years coaching couples and individuals. Jealousy acts as a wedge between you and the one you love and fosters doubts, fear, and disconnection. A secret to increasing the passion and love in your relationship is connection.

Different experiences can contribute to the formation of a jealousy habit. It could be that you feel unworthy of the relationship you are currently in. It could be that you were betrayed by someone you loved in the past. A low self-esteem and/or a past betrayal might fuel jealous feelings and make it difficult for you to trust your current partner. The old doubts and fears resurface and lead to negative expectations about someone who may not have even been in your life when the original betrayal happened.

Here is an example…

Renee and Karl met and were inseparable right from the start. For about 3 months all felt perfect—they were in love. Or so it seemed. When Renee discovered that Karl was still dating her “former” boyfriend, she was heartbroken. She chose not to date anyone for 3 years trying to recover from the betrayal and breakup.

Finally, Renee met Juan and—cautiously—began a relationship with him. Even though this new relationship is much healthier, she finds herself falling into the jealousy habit. Juan continues to be faithful to the agreements he’s made with Renee, but she still finds herself expecting him to cheat on her. She is constantly on the look-out for signs that Juan has been lying. Renee’s jealous habit has begun to put a strain on her relationship with Juan as he feels under suspicious scrutiny all the time.

This scenario may sound familiar to you. If it does, try these suggestions to help you let go of the jealousy habit….

1. Allow the Past to Pass

Take a step back to find the event or events that helped form your jealousy habit. This may be a series of experiences you’ve had where you felt betrayed by someone you cared about. Once you’ve identified a source (or sources) of your jealousy habit, make it your intention to let the past pass. You can honor that you experienced what you did and that it evoked certain feelings for you and then let it just pass on by. You don’t have to hold on to those feelings anymore! They are not part of your present and certainly not part of the future you want.

If there is an action that helps you with this letting go, do it. Consider forgiveness as part of allowing the past to pass. Remind yourself that forgiveness is a decision to no longer carry around the pain of what happened. Yes, the betrayal occurred, but it is done and you can move on to the love and connection you will enjoy as you heal.

2. Choose a Different Thought

As you move through the process of allowing the past to pass on by, you will probably find it easier to choose different thoughts when the jealousy habit arises. For example, Renee may stop herself before she grills Juan about his evening out with friends. She can notice that the jealousy habit is beginning to rear its head and consciously choose different thoughts that feel better. She may check in with herself asking “Is this accurate?” “Do I know this is so?” It could be that Renee does ask Juan about his night out, but the feelings behind her questions will come from a place of trust and love.

It can take time to heal from hurts and betrayals from the past. There are sometimes many layers to work through. Remember to be gentle with yourself and keep the vision of the life you want in your mind. Letting go of the jealousy habit may happen all at once or in stages. Congratulate yourself when you allow the past to pass and choose a different thought. Know that ease and a more expansive love will more easily come as a result.

For more information about how you can stop being jealous, go to http://www.nomorejealousy.com