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What to do when your wife is jealous...By Susie and Otto Collins Rob feels helpless, frustrated and angry when his wife gets jealous-- which is quite frequently. Julia, Rob's wife, often treats him as if he's lying and having affairs. She questions him relentlessly, treats him with hostility, breaks down in tears easily and is generally difficult to be around. One of Rob's good friends asked him why he stays with such a difficult woman! The truth is, Rob loves Julia very much and she is not always like this. It is painful to be wrongly accused and it is painful for him to see her so upset so much of the time. Rob wants to know what to do when his wife gets jealous. He wants to help her overcome jealousy, if that's possible. Let's be clear here... BOTH women and men get jealous. Despite the stereotype of the jealous wife, there are just as many jealous husbands out there. This advice can be used by anyone who is living with a jealous partner. When your mate is jealous, you might feel helpless to the situation. It may seem to you that whatever you say or do only ends up intensifying your partner's fears and suspicions. If you're like many people who are with a jealous partner, you might shut down and withdraw in the face of your mate's questions, allegations, accusations or however the jealousy manifests. Try to remember that shutting down will not improve either your partner's jealousy or your relationship. Instead, it is important for you remain connected-- both to yourself and to your partner. Be clear about your own actions and reactions. As much as you'd probably like to believe that your wife's jealousy has nothing to do with you, this is most likely an incorrect belief. There may very well be unresolved hurts from her past that have contributed to her jealousy and suspicions. These, of course, are something that she needs to heal and release. At the same time, take a good look at the ways that your own actions and reactions might be playing a role in the damage that is happening to your relationship as a result of the jealousy. For example, Rob admits to himself that he has a defensive streak. When he even guesses that another person, especially Julia, is accusing him of wrongdoing of any kind, his body becomes rigid, his breathing constricts and he tends to talk in short sentences with a harsher tone of voice than usual. In essence, Rob recognizes that his habit of getting defensive easily probably only fuels Julia's jealousy more. As we encourage you to be clear about your own actions and reactions, we are NOT asking you to "take the blame" for causing your wife's jealousy. We urge you to set aside blame and start to look for solutions and new ways of being that can improve your relationship. Be willing to say "yes" or "no" with calm, directness and love. What generally happens when Rob returns home after his weekly poker night with his buddies is either Julia greets him with tears and requests for reassurance or she meets him with angry accusations and interrogations. Rob is absolutely unwilling to give up his poker night and he is tired of having to account for what he did and whom he was with every single time he has this treasured time with friends. He works hard all week, he feels like he deserves this time without so much drama! When Julia asks him to stop going to poker night-- which she does regularly-- he usually reacts with a strong "no" and then storms out of the room. Because Rob is now aware that his reaction to her jealousy is part of the problem, he is looking for a new way to respond. The next time that Julia makes this request, Rob pauses, takes a deep breath and then says this: "Julia, I love you and our marriage is very important to me AND playing poker with my friends one night a week is also important to me. I will not stop going to poker night, but I will talk with you about some new ways that we can connect and spend more quality time together." A lot of the time, when you say "yes" or you say "no" to a request that is made out of jealousy, what makes the difference is HOW you say it. If you shout or speak through clenched jaws out of frustration, this will probably only make things worse. Being loving does not mean that you merely say "yes," "no," or whatever it is you think your partner wants to hear to try to quell her jealousy. If you communicate your honest response to the question or request with calm, directness and love, you are essentially inviting your partner to also calm down and join you in finding a resolution that will help you two move closer together. ********************************************************** For more tips and techniques to help you deal with your jealous partner, click here and sign up for Susie and Otto's free How to Overcome Jealousy e-mail course.
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© 2011 Susie and Otto Collins. All Rights Reserved.
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