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3 Ways to Handle Your Partner's Jealousy-Driven UltimatumBy Susie and Otto Collins "I am walking out that door if you don't unfriend every woman you are friends with on Facebook!" This is the ultimatum that Steve's girlfriend, Chloe, laid before him. Chloe's jealousy has been an issue throughout their relationship. Her jealousy is triggered easily and Steve's interactions with female friends and old classmates from college on social networking sites like Facebook and Twitter really seem to upset her. He tries to be sensitive to Chloe's jealousy and not to say or do anything that will set her off. At the same time, Steve enjoys having friends and keeping up with old friends he hasn't seen for years...some of these friends happen to be women. This doesn't mean that he wants anything more just friendship with any of them. He loves Chloe and really hopes that she can get her jealousy under control before it ruins their relationship. When Chloe gave Steve the ultimatum that he can only have male friends on Facebook or she'll break up with him, he got angry. All of the frustration and resentment that has been building from having to be so careful about what he says and does poured out of Steve. An ugly argument ensued between the two of them and Steve is the one who walked out the door. Your partner's jealousy can seem to be a treacherous thing. You might try to tip-toe around it and do everything you can not to trigger your mate's jealous fears, but it happens anyway. And, in the course of trying not to make your partner jealous, you most likely feel irritated and resentful. This is a recipe for anguish and possible breakup...if you don't do something about it. What can be done when your partner issues you a jealousy-fueled ultimatum that feels impossible and unwanted? Try these ideas... #1: Don't fuel the fire. We're not talking about the tip-toeing around or avoidance you've been doing in an attempt to keep your partner's jealousy at bay. When we recommend that you stop fueling the fire, we're talking about assessing your usual reactions when your partner is jealous and also when he or she issues an ultimatum to you. If you tend to get quiet and withdraw in the face of your mate's jealousy, what is the effect of that? If you get angry and lash out, what usually happens? If you become secretive and sneak to do the things that your partner doesn't want you to do, what is often the result? Start to notice your own habits and reactions (to the jealousy and at other times too) that might be contributing to this disconnecting dynamic. It's probably going to become apparent to you which of your habits are helpful and supportive of the relationship you want and which only make things more tense and conflict-ridden. You get to choose to deliberately do more of the things that will help re-connect you two instead of take you further apart. #2: Be clear about what's true for you. One way to respond to an ultimatum issued by your jealous partner is to take the time to be clear about what's true for you. Do this within your own self first. You could take a deep breath and begin to remind yourself about what you know-- your behavior, your intentions and your aspirations for your relationship. When you share with your partner about what you know to be true about your own self and your actions, do so in a way that can be informative to him or her. Don't do it as a way to defend yourself or to discount the very real feelings that your mate is having. You might start your words off with something like, "I hear your words and...." What's vital here is for the communication to open back up. In most cases, an ultimatum-- especially one that is driven by jealousy-- is a sign that communication has broken down. An ultimatum often comes from a desperate place in which the person issuing it may be trying to control a situation that feels like it's far beyond his or her control. Try to remember this when you hear an ultimatum. Know what you know about yourself and your actions. If there are habits and behaviors that you need to take responsibility for, do so. Take ownership for your share of the dynamic-- no more, no less. #3: Create more options. When you hear an ultimatum, as you choose a response, remember that you always have choice. You might be unwilling to be in this relationship any longer and unwilling to do what your partner is asking you to do. In a case like that, letting him or her walk out might be the choice you make. You can also suggest some alternatives to the ultimatum. If you do this, choose your words with care. Again, don't discount the very real feelings that are driving your partner's jealousy and ultimatum. As crazy as his or her allegations seem to you to be, they most likely don't feel outrageous to your partner. Try saying something like, "Our relationship is important to me and I can hear how strongly you feel about this and...." Your suggested alternative might be a place where you could acknowledge your role in the disconnecting dynamic and also what you will (and won't) do to help resolve it. As in the scenario above, when Steve talks with Chloe again, he might say to her that he will work with her to create agreements about appropriate interacting with others on Facebook, but he will not unfriend all of his female friends. He can do this not as a way to placate Chloe or try to calm her jealousy-- only she can do that for herself-- but as a way to re-connect with her. While you maintain your truth, you can make it clear to your partner that you are willing to find a resolution that is acceptable to you both. This can open back up communication and allow you to re- connect. P.O. Box 14544
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