Stop Fighting and Start Re-Connecting
By Susie and Otto Collins
Things can get ugly between Rebecca and her husband, Paul, very
fast. It can seem like one minute they are chatting about their days
at work and the next minute they are shouting at one another and
even
throwing things.
Rebecca and Paul's relationship (and home) has become a battle
zone...and jealousy is the big reason why.
Rebecca has always been insecure. She has felt self-conscious about
her appearance, intelligence and talents and, unfortunately, this
has
only grown worse as she's gotten older.
She always hoped that a
combination of maturity and the love of a good man-- Paul-- would
wipe away her
jealous habit and insecurity.
The opposite has occurred instead.
When Rebecca senses distance or closing down in Paul, she gets
worried and then she becomes angry. Her jealous fears lead her to
believe that Paul is dissatisfied with her and that he is looking
for
any excuse to leave or cheat.
To make matters worse, Paul has trouble controlling his frustration
and anger. He is a passionate guy and this sometimes comes out in
negative ways-- a quick temper. If Rebecca even appears to be
jealous, he is furious.
As Rebecca's jealousy meets Paul's temper, sparks (and household
objects) often fly. Both of them would like to have more loving
passion in their marriage instead.
If your relationship and home feel like battle zones and jealousy is
part of the problem, you may be looking for ways to stop the
fighting. You might be worried about the negative effects that all
of this conflict is probably having on your relationship.
It's true that regularly occurring tension and fights can tear you
and your mate apart. This is unhealthy and not conducive to helping
you create the kind of relationship you truly want.
But, you don't have to stay stuck like this.
Instead, try this advice to get out of the destructive cycle of
jealousy and conflict so that you and your partner can begin to re-
connect...
#1: Stop doing what you usually do.
We all fall into habits in our relationships. These habits tend to
be based on the past. What has my partner done in the past when I've
said or done _____? What has happened in the past when my partner
has said or done____?
It's only natural to use past experiences to guide your choices
about what you will say and do in the present moment.
Unfortunately, however, it's easy to get confused. It's too easy to
react to your partner from a past-oriented place when you don't
really know what's actually going on right now-- because you haven't
given him or her the opportunity to share that information with you.
Make a deliberate effort to bring yourself back to the present
moment, especially when you feel tense and expect conflict to erupt
at any moment.
Keep reminding yourself to stop doing what you've always done.
Instead, pause and really listen to the words that your partner is
saying to you. Really listen to yourself. How are you feeling? What
is your most important need at this time?
It doesn't matter whether it's you or your partner who has the
jealousy habit. Amazing effects can happen when you merely pause and
give yourself the chance to respond in the present instead of react
from the past.
#2: Own your share in the dynamic.
Resist the urge to play the blame game. Some people tend to push
off on their partner most (or all) of the blame for the problems in
the relationship. Others attempt to assume the bulk of the blame
themselves, often as a way to avoid a fight.
Shift your focus from blame to responsibility. These are slightly
different concepts.
When you talk about blame or fault, you are mostly declaring which
of you is "right" and which is "wrong." When you approach the
situation in terms of responsibility, however, you can consider what
share of the dynamic is yours.
When you think in terms of "your share" and you own the words,
actions and habits for which you are responsible, the path to re-
connection is more possible.
Be as objective as you can and devote most of your energy to what
you are doing (or not doing) that is playing a role in this current
destructive cycle.
If, for example, your partner tends to throw things or even hit you
when he or she is angry and jealous, perhaps your share in the
dynamic is that you stay and allow yourself to be abused.
If you frequently make accusations for which you have no reliable
proof, your share in that dynamic might be that you have jumped to a
conclusion because of your jealousy.
Does taking ownership let your partner "off the hook?" Absolutely
not.
What being responsible for your role and your habits does is free
you up to make changes to your behavior, to create agreements with
your partner and, when needed, to set boundaries.
#3: Do whatever you can to support healthier communication.
As you start to own what it is that you do that contributes to the
disconnection in your relationship, you can open up to possible
solutions.
You can more easily know what healthier ways to
communicate with your mate-- even about a difficult topics and
jealous or angry feelings.
Be on the lookout for ways that you can support healthier
communication from your partner and from your own self.
This might involve you two creating communication agreements that
will provide "ground rules" you both will follow. This may also mean
that you make the decision to use certain words or phrases and not
others.
The key here is to be present, be aware of your role and make
choices that will take you in the improved direction you want to go.
***************************************************
Click here for more help overcoming jealousy from Susie and Otto
Collins'
free e-mail mini-course.
P.O. Box 14544
Columbus, Ohio 43214
(614) 459-8121 Email
us
© 2011 Susie and Otto Collins. All Rights Reserved.
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