Jealousy- Jealous Partner Advice- Suggestions for Dealing with a Jealous Mate

Relationship Advice for Dealing with a Jealous Partner:
"Should I take the jealousy seriously?"
By Susie and Otto Collins

"Crime of passion." "Fit of jealous rage."

These are phrases used to describe acts of violence purportedly caused by jealousy.

Most recently a young woman who was dating NFL football player Steve McNair murdered him and then committed suicide, in part, apparently because of her jealousy.

This high-profile murder-suicide is not the first time jealousy has turned violent and ended tragically.

If your partner tends to be jealous, you might read such news reports and think about your own relationship dynamics.

You might worry that such a horrendous act could happen in your relationship.

Or you might look at what seemed to happen in this other person's life and believe that your mate would never take such a violent turn.

You might feel uncomfortable and confused.

At what point should you take jealousy seriously?

Our answer to this question is that it can benefit you and your relationship to always recognize jealousy and take steps to turn it around.

Don't disregard jealousy.

Does this mean that jealousy will lead to violence and extreme actions in every case?

Of course not.

As you are probably already aware, jealousy is destructive, harmful and unhealthy.

At "best," jealousy is upsetting and disconnecting for the jealous person and his or her partner.

At "worst," jealousy can drive people to do things they wouldn't otherwise do-- this sometimes involves violence and other times does not.

We do not advise you to discount your mate's jealousy just because you think-- or he or she claims-- that it is just because your partner loves you and cares.

Jealousy is not to be taken lightly. It has nothing to do with love and everything to do fear, control and mistrust.

These can all drive wedges between you and your partner-- and it can escalate if left unaddressed.

Jack assures Kelly that the only reason he gets jealous is because he loves her so much. He claims that his jealous tirades and constant questioning just means she is special and precious to him.

The trouble is, Jack's jealous behavior doesn't make Kelly feel special, precious or loved. In fact, it frightens her and makes her worry that he'll cross a line one day that will end with someone getting hurt.

Kelly doesn't know what to do about Jack's jealousy. She's tried to ignore it and she's tried to cautiously talk with him about it. Neither of these have worked.

It seems that the longer they are together, the more intense Jack's
jealousy becomes.

Kelly feels like she can't do anything socially without him. And when they are out together, Kelly makes sure to visibly focus her attention on Jack and nobody else-- especially no other men which includes friends, acquaintances and even restaurant servers.

She's beginning to feel like a captive in this relationship rather than a willing participant!

Put your safety first.
If you do feel in danger because of your jealous mate's actions or words, get yourself to a safe place. Seek help from a friend or a shelter if necessary.

Don't take chances if you feel threatened.

Even if you are a larger man and your partner is a smaller woman, if you feel in danger pay attention and take action to make yourself safe.

From this safe place and with some physical distance between you and your partner, you can decide what your next step is.

If you are unsure about how safe you are, you might create a way to put some temporary physical distance between you and your mate.

Take that time to sort out how you feel and what you know to be true. Then decide whether you want to stay in or leave the relationship.

Get clear about your boundaries and set them.
It is important to have clear boundaries and stick to them-- especially when your partner's jealousy feels oppressive or controlling.

Go within and figure out what your bottom line is.

What are you unwilling to negotiate or compromise about? Now ask yourself what boundaries you'd like to set that will help you stick to your bottom line.

Kelly spends the weekend at her parent's house. She knows it's time for her to really think about her relationship with Jack and to make some decisions.

After asking her parents for quiet time alone, Kelly begins to journal about her feelings and what she wants for her future. For Kelly, writing about all of this is a useful practice.

Kelly comes away from her journaling with the realization that her bottom line is to feel safe and free in her love relationship.

She is no longer willing to be accused of infidelity (or considering infidelity) every time she interacts with another man.

When she returns home, Kelly arranges a time when she and Jack can talk-- in a public setting with a few friends nearby in case she needs help.

Kelly tells Jack that she is leaving their relationship and she explains her reasons why.

Kelly is clear with him about her bottom line for a relationship. She tells Jack that she believes he needs to learn how to handle his anger and jealousy before he can be in a relationship-- with her or anyone else.

Jack becomes very angry but ends up leaving the building without an incident.

When you set boundaries with your partner, the results might be very different than they were for Kelly and Jack.

You might find resistance from your mate to what you are saying. And you might find a new-found sense of respect.

Your standing up and asserting that you want a relationship built on trust, respect and love may be the wakeup call your mate needs.

After that, it's up to him or her to look within and get to the bottom of the jealousy and make changes.