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Why a Rebound Relationship May Trigger Your
Jealousy...and What to Do About It
By Susie and Otto Collins
Jennifer knows the sensations all too well.
Her stomach tightens into a knot. She has a difficult time
concentrating and she gets angry or tearful over seemingly
insignificant things.
For Jennifer, these are the signs of jealousy.
When Jennifer and her ex-boyfriend broke up a month ago, she was
sure that her jealousy would disappear. Unfortunately, it hasn't.
She's been dating a new guy for a couple of weeks now and is
distressed to find that her jealousy did not go away-- it's as
troublesome as ever.
You might not have planned to get into a new relationship so soon
after getting out of an old one, but it happened anyway. So here you
are in a rebound relationship and, like Jennifer, you might be
finding that jealousy rears its head in this new relationship too!
Rebound relationships tend to get painted in negative ways. They
are often expected to be short-lived and painful.
This may or may not be what happens for you.
Here are some things to consider if you find yourself in a
rebound
relationship and you have a tendency to get jealousy...
Learn the signs of jealousy.
Just like Jennifer, your stomach might tighten when you are jealous.
Knowing what happens in your body and your mind when you are jealous
is your key to turning this destructive habit around.
The next time you feel jealous, pay attention to where in your body
you might tighten or cave in. What are common thoughts for you when
jealousy has been triggered?
Once you know what the signs of jealousy are for you, you can more
easily address your thoughts and feelings when they are less intense
and more manageable.
Notice when you are reacting from the past.
A huge challenge when it comes to rebound relationships is that the
wounds from your old relationship may still be very fresh and raw.
Get into the habit of recognizing it when you are expecting your
current date or partner to say or do things that your ex would say
and do. Catch yourself when you are living in the past.
Again, this knowledge is very powerful. It means that you can
choose to stop reacting from the past and start living in the now.
Jennifer realizes that, deep inside, she expects her new partner to
cheat on her just like her ex did. She can see that she watches him
very closely when they are out together socially.
Even though this behavior isn't fair to this man, she is having a
difficult time trusting him.
Practice bringing yourself back to the present moment and
relationship.
The breath is a great way to bring yourself out of the past and into
the present moment.
If you realize that you've reacted in a way that was linked to
something that happened before and is not happening now, take a
slow, deep breath. Even if you've said words you regret, allow
yourself
this pause and breath so that you can come back to the present.
Deliberately notice your surroundings, check in with how you now
feel and choose what you want to do next.
Jennifer take a big breath the next time she is out with her new
partner at a dance club. She is embarrassed to admit that she was
watching him so closely and being so guarded, blocking other women
from coming into contact with him.
She breathes and sits down by herself at a table. In her mind,
Jennifer reminds herself that this is not her ex. She has had no
reason to doubt this man.
Decide if this is the right time for you to be in a new
relationship.
As you are getting to know the signals of jealousy for you and you
start practicing living in the moment more of the time, we encourage
you to have an honest talk with yourself.
Ask yourself if you truly are ready for a new relationship. If not,
ou might still choose to spend time and have fun with this other
person-- but make your changed intentions clear to him or her.
As you heal from the heartbreak and release the ended relationship,
you may crave companionship, affection and intimacy. Be clear within
yourself about what you need right now.
With sadness, Jennifer decides to take a break from her budding
relationship with this new guy. She really likes him, but she
doesn't like the way that her jealousy is already coming out.
Jennifer tells the man that she is just not ready for a new
relationship yet. She would like to still hang out with him, but she
believes it would be best for her not to date him right now.
Jennifer hopes that sometime in the future she'll have another
chance
to date him-- when she's ready.
When you have been through a relationship breakup or divorce, take
gentle care of yourself. Find ways to fulfill your needs that may or
may not involve entering into another relationship.
No matter what you decide, give yourself time and opportunities to
heal and change your jealous habit.
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