Jealous- Jealousy Information, Advice and Tips for How to Stop a Jealous Habit

Jealous Habits: Stop Playing the "Push-Pull" Jealousy Game in Your Relationship
By Susie and Otto Collins

It's a game that nobody wins. When you feel jealousy, you might push your partner for information with interrogating questions. In response, he or she might pull away from you emotionally or physically feeling mistrusted and irritated.

The more your jealousy causes you to push against your partner for details and assurances, the more intensely your mate probably pulls away.

The end result is more distance and disconnection between the two of you and the worse you both feel.

Even though we're calling this dynamic the "push-pull jealousy game" it's more like holding onto a strip of elastic or a bungee cord. You are holding one end-- symbolically-- and your mate is holding the other. As you launch into interrogations, your end of the elastic gets tight. When your partner withdraws or meets your jealousy with irritation, his or her end of the elastic gets tight.

Now if you've ever held one end of a stretched tight piece of elastic or bungee cord, you probably know what happens when the cord either breaks or is let go of on the other end. You get hit with a snap that most likely leaves big welt!

When it comes to jealousy in a relationship, when one of you pushes and the other pulls, one or both will likely end up feeling snapped and hurt.

Cara can't understand why her boyfriend Luke has to have so many female friends. Luke's best friend, in fact, is a woman he's known since high school named Felicity. Cara feels left out and jealous when she and Luke go out to dinner or to clubs with Felicity. On the other hand, if Luke and Felicity play golf or do some other activity together without Cara along, she feels even worse.

Cara is sure that Felicity wants to be more than just friends with Luke and she even brings this up with him from time to time. Because of her jealous fears, Cara is constantly on the lookout for proof that Felicity is trying to entice Luke to have an affair with her. Cara reports
any suspicious "findings" to Luke and asks him many details
about his time alone with Felicity.

It's gotten to the point that Luke refuses to answer any questions Cara poses to him about Felicity. He's starting to feel like he has to hide the fact that he communicates and hangs out with this dear friend of his with whom he truly shares no romantic feelings or intentions.

Notice the signs of jealousy.
If you can recognize that you and your mate are engaged in a "push-pull game," paying attention to signals that these dynamics are at work is a first step. You might realize that when you are starting to feel jealous, your stomach balls up into a knot or you tense up in other ways.

If it is your partner who has the jealous habit, perhaps your shoulders become rigid as you feel like you have to defend yourself against his or her allegations.

Many times jealous fears and feeling unfairly accused show up in physical sensations in the body. These manifest differently for each person but the result is usually a closing in and tightening up.

Practice tuning in to your body sensations at various times and get to know how they link in with various emotions. When you're paying attention, you can head off a "push-pull game" before it intensifies.

Interrupt yourself.
Cara has learned how to recognize her body's signals that she is feeling jealous. In the past, she was so caught up the images and stories she created in her mind of Luke and Felicity that she didn't notice much else. But now she knows that when she feels slightly nauseous, it's often because she's starting to feel jealous and fearful.

Carla-- and you-- can interrupt your habitual tendencies that lead to disconnection with your mate. When you realize that you are jealous or feeling defensive, you can pause and then decide to change your direction.

Some people literally move their bodies and do something different to essentially snap themselves out of the "push-pull game." You might laugh at yourself in a gentle way as if to say "I'm at it again!" You could also take a walk and get some fresh air and then return to what you were doing with a clearer head.

However you choose to stop playing along with the "push-pull game" be sure that you are taking responsibility for your own self. Yes, your partner may be the one who seems-- to you-- to be the cause of this problem. The person whose response you can definitely affect is your own. Perhaps when you step back from your usual dynamic will
provide a healthy example for your mate to follow.

Know that you can interact with one another differently and in a more connecting way. And no matter how much jealousy has wedged itself between you and your partner, you two can take steps away from jealous fears and, instead, move closer together.