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4 Methods for Overcoming Jealousy in Your
Long Distance Relationship
By Susie and Otto Collins
Renee is sick with worry. She was just on the social networking
site, Facebook, and saw a photo of her boyfriend with some other
women at a party.
While Renee knew he recently attended a party with
some friends he works with, seeing the picture of him having a good
time and posing for the camera with very attractive women has caused
her jealousy to flare up.
Renee and her boyfriend have been in a long distance love
relationship for the past couple of years. They communicate all of
the time by phone, online and with cards and letters too. She loves
him deeply, but she often becomes jealous and fears that he is lying
to her and
cheating.
After all, how can she know what he's really doing with all of the
miles that separate them?
Because of her jealousy, Renee has gotten into the habit of
frequently checking her boyfriend's Facebook account just to see
what
he's been up to. She feels a bit like she's spying on him, but she
doesn't know how else to figure out the truth.
If she's completely honest with herself, Renee has no real evidence
that her boyfriend has ever lied to her. All the same, she can't let
go of her worries that he'll break her heart one day...just like all
of the men she's ever been with have done.
Regardless of whether you are a man or a woman, if you're in a long
distance relationship and you have a tendency to get jealous, you
can
probably relate to what Renee is going through.
The physical distance that separates you and your partner can lead
to all kinds of thoughts and worries.
Your partner may be the most
honest and faithful person in the world, but you don't know with
100%
certainty if he or she is being true to you, in part because you
aren't physically together much of the time, or at all.
Even if you two did live in the same town or even shared the same
house, you might still grapple with jealousy and distressing
thoughts. The fact of the matter is that jealousy can cause you to
believe things that may not be accurate.
When you speak or act based
on your jealousy-fueled beliefs, you can wreck your relationship.
If you struggle with jealousy and it's taking a toll on your long
distance relationship, try these 4 strategies...
#1: Create clear agreements.
Confusion about what you each expect from your relationship can most
definitely lead to jealousy and hurt feelings. One way to avoid
confusion-- and lessen your chance of being jealous-- is to have an
honest and open conversation about your relationship with your
partner.
Be willing to have this conversation be ongoing as your commitment
grows. What you each want will possibly change over time.
If it's relatively early in your relationship and you're worried
about "scaring off" your partner by getting too serious too soon,
make it clear to him or her that you aren't trying to rush anything,
you just want to get the expectations on the table.
Create
agreements about things like socializing, dating, being sexual and
entering chat rooms with others, for example. Stay open and really
listen to what your partner wants at this time. If you want
something different, be honest about that.
See where you two can authentically meet in the middle.
This type of conversation is not the most comfortable one to have,
but it's possible to communicate about even the most difficult
topics
in ways that can actually bring you closer together.
#2: Follow your own rules.
Once you and your partner have created agreements about your
relationship, make sure you are following them. All too often, one
person will be jealous and upset with his or her partner while that
very same person is breaking relationship agreements.
Just because you know you won't cheat, this doesn't make it okay for
you to break your word to your partner about something else.
Breaking agreements of any kind can undermine trust.
To make matters worse, if you aren't following your relationship
agreements, you might feel jealous and expect that your partner is
breaking agreements too.
#3: Base your words and actions on reliable proof.
If you do feel suspicious of your partner, we do NOT advise you to
automatically discount your worries. Try to adopt a different
perspective and look at the situation you feel suspicious about
again.
For example, if you come upon a picture or comment on your partner's
Facebook (or other social networking site) page that sparks
jealousy,
get more information.
Don't jump to a conclusion or make an accusation to your mate.
Instead, step away from the computer (or situation) and take a deep
breath. Return to the facts and reliable proof of what you know. Is
there possibly another way to understand what seems to be going on
in
the photo or the words on the page? Is this inconsistent or
consistent with what your partner has told you?
Take into account a whole range of reliable facts before you make a
determination about what is going on and what you will do about it.
#4: Live in the moment.
Ultimately, it's going to be easier for you to overcome jealousy and
create the kind of relationship you want with your partner when you
live in the moment.
When you find yourself reacting to a current situation from
something that happened in the past (or even in a past
relationship),
stop yourself. Notice what the memory is that has temporarily
dominated your mind and return to the here and now.
It is in this moment that you can find clarity and the ability to
make the best decisions for yourself and your long distance
relationship.
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Columbus, Ohio 43214
(614) 459-8121 Email
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© 2011 Susie and Otto Collins. All Rights Reserved.
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