Jealous When There's "No Reason" to Be

By Susie and Otto Collins

Kim cannot understand why she feels so jealous. Her husband Gary is
a great guy. He is loving, considerate, passionate and also very
patient when she is moody.

Gary has never given Kim a reason to be jealous or to worry that
he'll have an affair.

But she still becomes jealous anyway.

As much as Kim tries to hide her jealousy problem, she can tell that
it's driving a wedge between herself and her husband. She freezes up
and is more closed to Gary when she feels jealous.

He asks what is wrong when she gets like this, but she never admits
what she's wrestling with inside.

Sometimes, Kim wonders if she is fooling herself and there really is
something going on with Gary-- that she should be suspicious. This
leaves her confused and a bit ashamed.

The tricky thing about jealousy is that it leaves you wondering what
you can trust.

Can you trust the thoughts that are tumbling through your mind that
tell you your partner is cheating or would have an affair if given
the chance?

Or, do you trust what you are noticing about and hearing from your
mate?

Unfortunately, we can't tell you right here and now whether or not
your jealous fears are accurate. We don't have a magnifying glass
trained on your specific relationship.

But you do.

You have available to you the means to tell the difference between
jealousy that doesn't match your current relationship and the
jealousy that does.

In BOTH cases, your jealousy needs to be dealt with. There is
always a reason for jealousy.

What you need to decide is what you will do about it so that you can
release your jealous habit and get back to living your life and
relationship as fully as you can.

Look for triggers.
A first step is to discover what triggers jealousy for you. It
varies from person to person.

Are there particular settings such as parties, being at a bar or
dance club or among your partner's friends that seem to spark
jealousy within you?

Perhaps you get jealous most easily when your mate has been away for
a period of time on a business trip or when he or she has been out of
contact with you during the work day or week.

It could also be that you become jealous at certain times of the
month or year.

Make note of what was going on just before and during the next time
you become jealous.

You may realize that there are some things that could be changed.
For example, knowing your triggers might lead you to make requests of
your partner that will help you overcome jealousy.

Look to the past.
For plenty of people, jealousy is linked mostly-- or completely-- to
unresolved past events. In these cases, the jealous person's partner
is acting appropriately and faithfully, but this cannot be seen by
the one who is jealous...because he or she is blinded by the past.

Often, old wounds from being betrayed in a previous relationship
linger and come up at particular times for the jealous person.
Childhood traumas might have formed in the jealous person an
overriding belief that others are not to be trusted.

If you have had either (or both) of these happen in your past and
you find yourself getting jealous for "no reason" today, this is your
signal to do some releasing around these past hurts.

Working with a counselor or coach may be helpful to you in letting
go of the past so that it no longer infringes on your current
relationship and life.

When Kim takes some time to look at what triggers jealousy for her
and digs a little deeper into her jealous fears, she can see how much
of her past is still hanging around. Kim grew up in a rough
household where both of her parents were alcoholics and her father
was physically abusive.

She wonders if her expectation that Gary will let her down and hurt
her is linked to the experiences she had as a child. She decides to
find a counselor to work with who can help her sort through all of
this.

Look to the present.
There are times when there actually is a reason-- in your current
relationship-- for your jealousy. You might not want to face up to
the fact that your partner IS saying and doing things that are
contradictory.

A part of you may be avoiding the fact that your mate does flirt
with others and is also secretive about where he or she has been.

In cases like these, your jealousy can be a wake up call. It might
be signaling to you to obtain information and find out once and for
all if what you are worried and fearful about is actually going on.

There are no easy answers when it comes to jealousy and fears of
infidelity.

Above all, we advise you to learn how to differentiate between
jealousy that is linked to the past or to low self esteem and the
jealousy that may be your natural reaction to your partner acting
suspiciously.