Jealousy- Jealousy is My Partner's Issue: How to Deal with a Jealous Mate- Jealous Partner Information and Advice

"Jealousy is my mate's issue, not mine...": Relationship Tips for Dealing with A Jealous Partner
By Susie and Otto Collins

"Everything I do makes Christy jealous," Steven thinks to himself
about his girlfriend. They've been together for 3 years now and
Steven has endured Christy's jealous tirades since their first weeks
of dating.

Sometimes, Steven wonders why he stays with Christy at all. But,
even despite her jealousy-induced sniping and charges that he's
flirting or even cheating, Steven does love Christy deeply.

Steven even sees them together for the long-term and possibly
getting married one day...but only when Christy gets over her
jealousy once and for all.

Are you with a jealous partner? Being interrogated and accused of
behaving in ways that are simply untrue can be painful, annoying,
will undermine trust and take the two of you far apart.

Many relationships have been torn in two when one partner is
jealous. There's no doubt that it is a destructive and agonizing
habit.

But what can you do if it's your partner who is prone to jealousy?
This is his or her issue, right?

Well, it's rarely as simple as this.

Just as it takes both you and your partner to create the love,
passion and intimacy that boosts your relationship, it also takes two
of you to become disconnected from one another.

Too often, when one person in a love relationship or marriage has a
jealous habit, the other person throws up his or her hands. The
person who is not jealous tends to blame the "jealous one" and
withdraws or becomes defensive.

This reaction to jealousy also drives a wedge in your relationship.
Of course, nobody likes to be unfairly accused, but at the same time,
nobody likes to be treated with coldness or hostility either.

If your partner has a jealous habit, it's understandable if you feel
frustrated, irritated and even exasperated.

The bottom line, however, is that if you want to stay in this
relationship and you'd like to stop feeling so angry and defensive,
you can't just throw up your hands and withdraw.

Own your share.
You might start out by setting the whole issue of your partner's
jealousy aside for the moment. As you probably know, you can't force
someone to do or stop doing anything-- this has to be his or her
decision.

What you can do, is to step back and look at the role you play in
the dynamics that are taking you and your partner further apart.

Yes, the jealousy is a huge factor. But, for now, see if you can
identify other factors that are contributing to the disconnection and
tension in your relationship.

Chances are, there are habits that you've fallen into that also have
a significant, negative, effect.

Steven has always been a very private and reserved kind of guy.
He's never been one to share his feelings with anyone. When he looks
at his own role in the relationship conflict, he recognizes that this
tendency might come off as secretive or even uncaring.

When he thinks about his communication with Christy, Steven
acknowledges that he rarely volunteers much information about his day
or what's going on within him. He's usually content to let Christy
ask the questions...until those questions begin to feel like jealous
accusations.

When you own your share in the disconnecting dynamic in your
relationship, you aren't taking on his or her jealousy or admitting
to things that are untrue. Instead, you honestly recognize that your
own habits are contributing to the distance too.

Shift from me to we.
When strain and conflict crop up in a relationship, many people
focus in on themselves. This is only natural really.

If your partner is railing on and on about how you were supposedly
flirting or otherwise acting inappropriately and you feel that this
is untrue and unfair, of course you might hone in on how it feels to
you to be accused in this way.

Over time, it can easily feel like your partner is doing something
unwanted to you, i.e. making jealous accusations that cause you to
feel defensive.

If, instead, you can make a shift from me to we, you might start to
move out of this disconnecting cycle.

We certainly encourage you to set boundaries and create agreements
with your partner that may relate to his or her jealous behavior.

But we also encourage you to start looking at your relationship in
terms of how you and your partner-- as a "we"-- can begin to turn
things around.

What steps could the two of you take, as a team, to address what's
going on?

Being a "we," means that the two of you start to listen to one
another in an engaged way and you each ask questions so that you can
more fully understand where the other is coming from.

You look for solutions to disagreements and different viewpoints
that feel acceptable to both of you.

When you're a "we," it's not just your partner's jealousy that is
the big problem coming between you two. It is a complex dynamic that
you both address and begin to change together.