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Is Low Self Esteem Behind
Your Jealousy? By Susie and Otto Collins You try not to listen to your worries that your partner is more interested in another person than he or she is in you. You attempt to ignore your gnawing doubts that you can ever have a happy, committed relationship. You try to stop your jealousy-induced accusations, incessant questions or pleas for information. But none of this seems to work. You continue to get jealous and your jealousy is continuing to come between you and your partner. When it seems like jealousy is taking over you and your relationship, it's time to take a step back and figure out what's behind your jealous fears, worries and behaviors. For many people, a low self esteem is at the core of the jealousy they experience. Low self esteem can be very obvious and evident. You may have known for a long time now that you struggle with a lagging sense of self- worth. Or it could be more subtle. You may even be surprised to discover that, deep down, you don't feel valuable or very good about yourself. You might have had a difficult childhood in which the adults (or other children) in your life put you down, criticized you or simply weren't available to support and nurture you. This might have taken the form of abuse or it could have been less severe, yet it still negatively affected you. Perhaps over the course of your adult life you have been disappointed by your own achievements-- or your perceived lack of them. You might have dreamed of a different life and you feel like you aren't living up to your own expectations. These are just a few common scenarios that can contribute to low self esteem. It can be vastly different for each person. Get to the roots of your jealousy. What is most important is that you get to the roots of the jealousy that you are experiencing. If you are ready to take an honest look at where you are in an effort to make changes and begin to move toward where you want to be, uncovering what's behind your jealousy is essential. Start out by identifying the beliefs and habitual thoughts you have about yourself. You might find it helpful to take out a piece of paper and write down adjectives or short statements that pop into your mind when you think about yourself and where you are right now in your life. This exercise might bring up painful feelings, but stay with it. Try to keep going with the writing. Once you are more clearly aware of what you are thinking about yourself, you can more easily choose to make changes. After you've written down the adjectives or short statements that come to your mind about yourself, read through them. Do these words mostly uplift you and affirm who and where you are or do they tend to highlight your "faults" or "weaknesses?" Remember, this exercise is about discovering your habits. If you find your list mainly negative, don't use this as an excuse to further criticize yourself. If you feel like crying, shouting, or in other ways expressing what's come up for you during the course of this exploration, take the time to do so. Allow yourself to feel what you feel. You can also think about the last time you were jealous. Do you remember similar thoughts dominating your mind at that time? For example, you might have worried about a particular person who your partner was with or what your mate was doing with this person as you then felt jealous. Your thoughts might have been, "She's so pretty; I'm sure my partner is lusting after her." or "He has a high-power job; I bet my mate is attracted by that." Pay attention to the possible links between your jealousy and low self esteem. Make feeling better about yourself a priority. Believe it or not, you can potentially wipe jealousy completely out of your relationship by boosting your own self esteem. Improving self esteem is usually a process. You might be so used to feeling inferior or bad about yourself that it could even seem overwhelming or impossible. But once you get started, you will begin to feel better and better. Make building up your self esteem a priority. In each and every moment, you can listen to what you are thinking and feeling and, when necessary, question those self-defeating thoughts and shift them. You could choose to work with a professional who can teach you skills and techniques for improving your self esteem. And you can also make a conscious decision to surround yourself with people and other influences that are uplifting and supportive. If you feel like it would be helpful, let your partner know that you have set an intention to improve your self esteem. You can even tell your mate that you believe this will help you stop being jealous. Your partner may be eager to back you up in these endeavors. Be prepared to let him or her know specific ways that you would like to be supported. For instance, you might crave extra hugs right now or it could be more important to you to hear "I love you" more frequently than usual. Be willing to ask for what you need so that you can make the changes within yourself you'd like to make. Boosting self esteem is something that only you can do for yourself. Keep discovering new ways you can appreciate who you are as you are and continue to practice honoring yourself and your needs. As you feel better and better about yourself from the inside out, don't be surprised to find that your jealousy becomes a thing of the past! P.O. Box 14544
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