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Is
it Time to Take Action about Your Jealous Suspicions?
By Susie and Otto Collins
If you've ever felt the persistent gnawing feeling in the pit of
your stomach that often accompanies suspicion and jealousy, you
probably know that it's difficult to ignore.
You can try to pretend that everything is okay within you and in
your relationship, but it's difficult if not impossible to do.
As those fears and questions spin in your mind, you might wonder if
you are accurately sensing that something is awry in your
relationship or if, instead, you are merely being jealous.
These uncertainties can make you feel crazy!
Beth has felt slightly nauseous and disoriented for the past two
weeks. She would go see her doctor, but she knows what is making her
sick-- jealous suspicions that her boyfriend Cliff is cheating.
It was two weeks ago when, at dinner, Cliff received a call on his
cell phone that he got up and left the table to take. This has never
happened before.
The two of them have always spoken on their phones in front of one
another. It has never seemed that they've held anything back with
each other.
Until now.
Since that secret cell phone call, Beth has noticed that Cliff is
acting strangely. When they are together, she is very aware of how
he talks, what he says and how is carrying his body.
She analyzes the wording of his e-mails to her and even dissects the
way that he kisses and makes love to her.
Nothing is clear to Beth. She becomes more suspicious and jealous
by the day-and she feels horrible too.
Check in with yourself first.
We know that jealousy and suspicion are both difficult to
experience. They can build and become even more intense.
If you try to avoid your suspicions and your jealousy you can become
physically ill and your relationship will not benefit either.
It makes sense that the more unsettled and stirred up you become,
the more distance that can form between you and your partner.
If you are trying to decide whether to take action (and what action
to take) based on your jealous suspicions, we strongly advise you to
start by going within.
Check in with yourself so that you can become clearer about what you
are feeling and also so that you can more easily know what action
makes the most sense for you.
Beth decides that she has to do something other than sit around and
worry about Cliff and whether or not he is lying and cheating.
She tells him that she's going to visit her sister for the weekend.
She
knows that her sister will be busy, so she will be relatively
undisturbed and alone during this time.
Sitting down with her journal, Beth begins to write. She lets
herself write about whatever comes up. This is mainly about Cliff,
their relationship and her jealous suspicions.
When Beth takes a break from writing and reads what she's written,
she is a little surprised. She didn't realize how far back her
worries about being cheated on go.
By digging deeper, Beth can now see that her jealousy goes back
further than just that secretive phone call Cliff received. She has
always harbored an expectation that, at some point or another, Cliff
will betray her.
This is confusing for Beth. She is starting to wonder if she is
making all of this up and Cliff is innocent after all.
After a lunch break, Beth starts to write down some of the
observations that she's made about Cliff during the past two (or
more) weeks. There are many inconsistencies between the way that
he's always acted around her and the way that he's acted recently.
This is important information to recognize.
As you sift through your feelings and your observations of your
mate, include everything. While there will certainly be perceptions
of behaviors that you cannot be certain are accurate, there will
also
be tangible clues.
Writing down or otherwise acknowledging your feelings can help you
become less stuck. Recording your observations can provide you with
valuable information.
Here are few examples of observations:
"My partner said he would be at the game with specific friends,
but
a friend mentioned to me that he was not with that group of people
that night."
"She has started to check the caller ID on our phone before she
answers it."
"In the past, he didn't send me flowers or gifts unless it was a
special occasion. Now he does."
"I am finding jewelry or articles of clothing that I've never seen
before in her car and personal spaces at home."
Plan your next best step.
Please take care as you look at the observations that you've made.
There might be a perfectly reasonable explanation for what is going
on that does not involve lying or cheating.
Or these clues could indicate that infidelity is actually happening.
As you look through the information you've compiled and the feelings
that you are having, be open to listen for the next best step you
are
wanting to make.
It could be that you decide to gather more information. If so, you
can check out our new workbook:
Where There's Smoke
There's Fire: How To Tell If Your Man's a Cheating Liar.
We advise you to gather information carefully and pay attention to
your motives along the way.
Spying can become addictive, especially when you are in a
challenging emotional place.
You may choose to communicate with your mate about what you are
experiencing. Consider whether or not you feel like you can trust
what your partner might have to say.
Before you do, we recommend that you come up with a list of "talking
points" for yourself. These are the most important statements or
questions that you'd like to address during your talk.
You might also consider seeking professional help. A coach,
counselor or therapist can teach you strategies and offer
suggestions
that will support you as you decide your next step.
P.O. Box 14544
Columbus, Ohio 43214
(614) 459-8121 Email
us
© 2011 Susie and Otto Collins. All Rights Reserved.
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