"I
have a jealousy problem...should I marry him
anyway?"
By Susie and Otto Collins
Cheri is sure that Steve is "the one" for her.
They've dated for several years now and Cheri
loves him deeply.
Their relationship isn't always sweetness and
kisses, however,
Cheri has a jealousy problem.
Whenever they are out together, Cheri's watchful
eyes are on Steve.
She wants to make sure that he's not looking too
long at other women or flirting. Cheri is
preparing herself for any signs that Steve
might be cheating.
This has led to quite a few uncomfortable and
contentious moments
between the two of them.
Because of a painful past relationship, Cheri
fears that Steve-- or any man that she's with--
will have an affair.
When Steve proposed marriage to Cheri recently
and she said "yes,"
in the back of her mind she wondered if she was
making a big mistake.
Should she find a way to stop being jealous
before she and Steve take their relationship one
step further?
You might not be on the threshold of matrimony,
as Cheri is with
Steve. Instead, it could be that you have just
started dating someone and it seems to be
getting more serious.
It may be that you are single and attracted to a
man or a woman whom you'd like to ask out for
dinner.
But in all of these cases, a nagging voice in
your head is questioning whether or not you are
ready for this next relationship step.
Is your jealousy going to ruin things...again?
There are no quick or easy answers to a question
like this.
There is no doubt that jealousy can wreak havoc
in a love relationship or marriage. There's also
no doubt that jealous emotions are painful to
experience.
If you are holding back from getting into a
relationship or taking
your current relationship to the next level
because of your jealousy,
we congratulate you.
This might sound weird, but an important first
step in letting go of
a jealousy habit is to admit that you have one
in the first place.
Here's what you might try next...
Dig deeper.
Take some time to look at the roots of your
jealousy.
Do you struggle with low self esteem? Do you
feel unattractive or
somehow unworthy of having the kind of love that
you'd like?
Is there a past relationship hurt that is still
festering within you? Do you hold beliefs that
all men or women will ultimately cheat and so
you need to be on guard?
Hone in on the specific jealous thoughts that
you tend to have,
because those can clue you in about what the
roots of your jealousy
are.
Now, it's time to start making some changes.
Make completions with the past-- previous
relationships and even
formative childhood experiences (such as a
parent cheating). Come up with strategies that
you can use to bolster your self esteem and
sense of self worth.
We encourage you to do this not just because you
want your
relationship to last, but because you will be
freer to live the
overall life you want as you take these steps.
Live in the present moment.
Cheri has written a series of goodbye letters to
the ex-boyfriend
who cheated on her. In them, she pours out her
heart with all of the
residual feelings from being betrayed by him.
Then, Cheri burns
those letters in the fire pit in her backyard.
It feels cleansing to Cheri to do this. On a
deep level, she feels lighter and less weighed
down by her past.
Now it's time to come back to the present
moment.
We do not recommend that you remain focused on
your past. There are probably many layers of
experiences that may be having an effect on your
current relationship. It is likely that you will
need to
explore those layers as particular thoughts and
emotions surface.
But it is vital that you spend most of your time
paying attention to
what's going on in your life right now.
Are there dynamics between you and your mate
that are triggering
your jealousy? You don't have to make your
jealousy completely your
partner's fault or completely your fault.
Instead, we urge you to look for the trouble
spots that tend to arise in your relationship
and then be open to solutions.
When you've developed a jealousy habit, it may
take some time to
fully release it. This may mean that it would be
wise for you to stay single for awhile longer,
but it may not.
You can actually strengthen your relationship
and move closer
together with your partner as you work together
to create the relationship or marriage you've
always wanted.
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About Jealousy