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How to Keep Jealousy OUT of
Your New Relationship By Susie and Otto Collins Let's say that in past relationships you've felt jealous. In fact, the distance and disconnection that developed between you and past partners was, in part, a result of your jealousy. It could be that flirting or even affairs made your jealousy seem quite warranted. Those relationships probably did not end solely because of your jealous habit, but you might acknowledge that it did play a role. And frequently feeling jealous in a love relationship is not what you had in mind! Now that you are in a new relationship with a new partner, you could feel wary and on the lookout for those familiar twinges of jealousy. You've heard that "history repeats itself," and you might worry that this relationship will end up as painful and difficult as previous ones have. Worry no more! We're here to assure you that you can make changes in your own behavior and, no matter what happened in your past, you can keep jealousy out of your new relationship. Kellie is determined that this new relationship with Ethan will be different. She's tired of having her love relationships consist of her escalating jealousy and her partner's increasing bad behavior and hurtful words. Kellie really likes Ethan and has experienced him to be a good guy so far. But deep inside, Kellie fears that Ethan will turn out to be a jerk who plays with her emotions just like the rest of her past boyfriends. Kellie is really trying to fight off the rising jealousy she is feeling but it's getting more difficult the more involved she becomes in this new relationship. Know your tendencies. If you have a past history of feeling jealous, we don't recommend that you try to fight it off or suppress it within yourself. It's important that you allow everything that you're feeling. But instead of reacting based on your jealousy, take some time and get to know your tendencies. When you are alone, think back to a time when you felt jealous. What were the jealousy signs present in your body at that time? Did you receive any advance signals that jealousy was about to rage within you? Kellie sits back and takes a deeper look at her tendencies. She realizes that when jealousy is starting within her, she notices her stomach begin to churn and her shoulders and hands tighten. These are signals that she can clearly feel-- even before the jealous thoughts begin to make themselves known in her mind. Follow up these observations of signs and signals with inquiries about what tends to trigger your jealousy. What were the specific situations in which jealousy came up for you in the past? Try not to re-live the stories about what you guess your partner was thinking or what you think his or her motivations might have been. Instead, see if you can remember the observable actions that were happening when jealousy was triggered. It is readily apparent to Kellie that her jealousy is triggered when her partner offers attention to another woman. Even if Kellie perceives a friendly female server at a restaurant as more attractive than she is, any interaction her boyfriend (at the time) shows to this other woman feels threatening. Practice living in the present. Our next advice to you for keeping jealousy out of your new relationship might seem contradictory to our first suggestion to get to know your tendencies. While it can be quite helpful to be aware of what tends to trigger jealousy for you and what your body signs are, it is NOT helpful to keep your attention focused in on your past behavior or relationships for an extended period of time. Because jealousy continues to be an issue for you, it is likely that you do not live fully in the present moment. This is not unusual-- living fully in the present moment is a challenge for many many people. When you want to make changes and create a different love relationship experience, you will not easily succeed if you are mostly focused on the past. Yes, of course, we encourage you to learn from your history and acknowledge your patterns. We also encourage you to ground yourself in your present situation and stay pointed in the direction you want to go. If you find yourself expecting your new partner to flirt or to be untrustable because that's how your past partners have been, recognize what you're doing and stop. Give yourself a little space to let those old feelings and hurts move through you. Then return to what you know to be true about this partner right now. Kellie is beginning to practice living more fully in the present. When she starts to fear that Ethan will become romantically involved with an attractive woman they meet at a coffee shop, for example, Kellie pauses and asks herself if she has any reason to suspect this other than her past experiences with other men. After responding to herself that there is no other evidence, it is easier for Kellie to bring her attention back to the conversation she's having with Ethan. She can appreciate the smell of her coffee, the warmth of the shop and the pleasant connecting she is having with Ethan. Changing any habit can take time. When jealousy has been your past pattern, it will probably take patience and awareness to learn a different way to be in a love relationship. But, even along the way, it is totally worth it. Be sure to congratulate yourself every time you pause and shift your focus away from jealous fears and back to your new love and the great relationship you are creating together. P.O. Box 14544
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