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Advice for Overcoming
Jealousy of Your Partner's Ex
By Susie and Otto Collins
Do you feel jealous of your partner's ex?
Your mate might have been married to this person or perhaps the two
of them dated seriously for a long time.
It could be that your partner once admitted regret or unresolved
feelings about a past relationship and now you are worried that this
ex is a genuine threat to your current relationship.
In any case, you feel jealous of your partner's ex.
It might seem to you that there's an extra person in your
relationship because of your partner's words or behaviors or
possibly
from your own fears and worries.
You feel jealous of someone who may or may not even be in close
proximity to you or your mate. He or she might live in a different
city or even across the country.
It's the perception you have of this ex that makes him or her appear
so present and that also triggers your jealousy which then adds to
the disconnection in your relationship.
To Tina it feels like there's a third person in bed with she and her
boyfriend Chris. Though there is literally nobody else sharing their
bed (or relationship), the presence of Chris' ex-wife Laurie seems
to always be there.
It's as if Laurie is constantly hovering over Tina reminding her of
how inferior and unworthy of a man like Chris she is. Sometimes,
Tina even believes that Chris would rather be with Laurie.
This belief sparks fears and jealousy
within Tina which then result in
arguments between she and Chris.
Chris wishes that Tina would let go of her jealousy of Laurie. It
took him a long time to get over his divorce and now he'd like to
move on with his life-- if only Tina will let him.
Take an honest look...
Try to set aside your usual way of looking at your relationship,
your partner and his or her ex and strive for as unbiased and honest
a look as you can at your situation. Between you and your partner,
who seems to be bringing the ex into your relationship?
This isn't about finding which of you is to blame for your jealousy.
We want you to get a clear view of what's going on so that you can
better understand and then make changes in order to feel better and
move closer to your mate in the process.
From this more honest view, think back to the last time you felt
jealous of your partner's ex. What seemed to trigger your jealousy?
The trigger might have come from words either you or your mate said.
It could be an image such as a picture as well. Gather information
about what is fueling your jealousy regarding your partner's ex and
pay particular attention to your role.
Tina begins to see that it is almost always her own comments or
assumptions that spark jealousy about Laurie. And these usually stem
from Tina's low self-esteem.
Because Tina and Chris have been living in the house that Laurie and
Chris shared while they were married, sometimes particular places in
the house trigger Tina's jealousy. There are still a few
pictures that have Laurie in them hanging up for example.
Stay present...
When you feel jealous of your partner's ex, do whatever you can to
bring yourself back to the present moment. This can help you shift
your attitude.
Ask yourself if this other person is truly posing a threat to your
relationship right here and now or, instead, are you comparing
yourself (or being compared) to a memory?
If you feel like your partner is the one who is frequently bringing
up his or her ex, try to pinpoint exactly how this is happening.
Make requests for changes regarding specific behaviors or phrases
when you bring this to your partner's attention.
Be open about how you feel when your mate talks about his or her ex
in those ways.
Take responsibility for your share in this dynamic whether you
decide it is mostly your partner who is triggering your jealousy of
the ex or if it is mainly you.
When you keep returning to the present moment, you can usually more
easily discover the ways that you might be creating stories about
your partner's ex that ends up causing you pain.
Tina decides to ask Chris if they could take down the pictures that
include Laurie that are still up around the house. She also begins
to question her own thoughts when she starts to feel like Laurie is
"in bed" with she and Chris.
Tina realizes that it is her own self-criticizing voice that is
telling her she is an inferior partner to Chris and not Laurie's
voice after all.
Take steps to boost your own self-esteem and you might find that you
feel less threatened by your partner's ex. Jealousy often fades as a
person steps into confidence and a greater sense of surety.
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About Jealousy