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| Do Jealous Tactics Really
Inspire Relationship Passion and Commitment? By Susie and Otto Collins What's wrong with a little manipulation? Either intentionally or unintentionally, you might have used jealous tactics to encourage your partner to make a deeper commitment to your relationship, or perhaps to spice things up between the two of you. Your objective was not to hurt anyone by flirting or otherwise making your mate jealous. It was merely to urge changes in your relationship that don't seem to be otherwise happening. If you've ever purposely made your partner jealous by flirting or other means, you aren't the first one to use this tactic. Some people swear that this actually works to bring more passion and commitment to a love relationship or marriage. These same people claim that jealousy makes the romance, intimacy and even love-making steamier. Candace is really excited about Dan. They've dated for 3 months now and she feels like he might just be "the one" for her. The trouble is, Dan seems to be hesitant about allowing the fun they've been having together turn into anything more serious. Whenever Candace begins to talk about commitment and dating each other exclusively, he literally changes the subject immediately. He flat-out refuses to talk about these issues with her. Although she's not normally one to flirt, Candace is desperate! She devises a plan to make Dan jealous by intentionally flirting with his friend Scott the next time they are all out together. Her hope is that once Dan sees that he can't take her for granted, he will be ready to make a deeper commitment to their budding relationship. Candace is taking a big risk with this plan! Yes, there is a small chance that Dan will become jealous when she flirts with Scott and realize that he is ready to commit more fully to their relationship. There are rare (and we underline the word "rare") cases where jealous tactics work- - at least in a short-term sense. The majority of the time-- and in the long run-- jealous tactics backfire. The end result is almost always weakened trust and disconnection, or worse. This is the opposite of what Candace, or you, want. What's behind jealous tactics? Psychologist Dr. David Buss, who has conducted some of the biggest and widest ranging jealousy studies ever, found that some people intentionally talk, smile and flirt with others attempting to make their partner jealous or even angry. What's motivating these people? Study participants admitted that they really wanted to inspire greater commitment and possessiveness from their mate as well as an increased closeness. We translate this to mean that behind the scenes of jealous tactics, there is a deep need for the person to know he or she is loved. The person hoping to making a partner jealous is trying to send the message: "I'm desirable--others are interested in me-- Don't take me for granted." Receiving a confirmation that you are loved, desirable and important to the one you care about feels good. But when you use jealous tactics to try to determine the level of your partner's commitment, you're likely to come away with some big-time problems that you hadn't expected. And these problems can be difficult-- if not impossible-- to resolve. A major problem that can directly result from jealousy is a lack of trust. Weak or nonexistent trust between two people is one of the biggest challenges couples today face. It's also one of the biggest destroyers of relationships and marriages. Flirting, for example, can seem "harmless" until the person trying to induce jealousy realizes that his or her actions have just undermined trust in the relationship. Now, not only does the person need to address the commitment or other dynamics that the jealousy was supposed to "cure," there is the added dimension of lacking trust heaped on. Jealous tactics reap more problems than solutions. Candace follows through with her plan to make Dan jealous by flirting with his friend Scott. And it works-- more dramatically than she thought it would. Not only did Dan become jealous, he also got into a violent argument with Scott! Throughout the evening of Candace's jealous tactics, Dan became more and more visibly irritated. At first Dan's irritation was slightly thrilling to Candace. She felt affirmed in her decision to try jealous tactics and sure that Dan would be ready to make a deeper commitment to her at the end of the night. But as Dan became more upset, he drank more beer. The combination of his drinking and his jealous anger resulted in Dan yelling and even punching Scott in the face. Candace's initial elation was short-lived and the evening ended as another friend of Dan's pulled him off Scott and drove him home to sober up and calm down. Candace's jealous tactics left her with an enraged boyfriend Dan, a confused Scott with whom she'd been flirting and a sad heart. She is actually further away from the deeper commitment than before. In fact, she is now wondering how she will explain her behavior to Dan in the morning. Will he be able to trust her again? Jealousy is not a game to be used to manipulate another person and it should certainly not be taken lightly. Instead, we encourage you to be courageous and find other ways to communicate your needs and desires for your relationship to your partner. Integrity, honesty and openness are great guideposts. If jealousy is an issue in your relationship or marriage, we recommend you pick up a copy of our program for overcoming jealousy called "No More Jealousy." It's available at http://www.nomorejealousy.com P.O. Box 14544
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