All About Jealousy Articles-- Flirting and Jealous Behavior

Do Jealous Tactics Really Inspire Relationship
Passion and Commitment?
By Susie and Otto Collins

What's wrong with a little manipulation? Either
intentionally or unintentionally, you might have used
jealous tactics to encourage your partner to make a deeper
commitment to your relationship, or perhaps to spice things
up between the two of you. Your objective was not to hurt
anyone by flirting or otherwise making your mate jealous.
It was merely to urge changes in your relationship that
don't seem to be otherwise happening.

If you've ever purposely made your partner jealous by
flirting or other means, you aren't the first one to use
this tactic. Some people swear that this actually works to
bring more passion and commitment to a love relationship or
marriage. These same people claim that jealousy makes the
romance, intimacy and even love-making steamier.

Candace is really excited about Dan. They've dated for 3
months now and she feels like he might just be "the one"
for her. The trouble is, Dan seems to be hesitant about
allowing the fun they've been having together turn into
anything more serious. Whenever Candace begins to talk
about commitment and dating each other exclusively, he
literally changes the subject immediately. He flat-out
refuses to talk about these issues with her.

Although she's not normally one to flirt, Candace is
desperate! She devises a plan to make Dan jealous by
intentionally flirting with his friend Scott the next time
they are all out together. Her hope is that once Dan sees
that he can't take her for granted, he will be ready to
make a deeper commitment to their budding relationship.

Candace is taking a big risk with this plan! Yes, there
is a small chance that Dan will become jealous when she
flirts with Scott and realize that he is ready to commit
more fully to their relationship. There are rare (and we
underline the word "rare") cases where jealous tactics work-
- at least in a short-term sense.

The majority of the time-- and in the long run-- jealous
tactics backfire. The end result is almost always weakened
trust and disconnection, or worse. This is the opposite of
what Candace, or you, want.

What's behind jealous tactics?
Psychologist Dr. David Buss, who has conducted some of the
biggest and widest ranging jealousy studies ever, found
that some people intentionally talk, smile and flirt with
others attempting to make their partner jealous or even
angry.

What's motivating these people?

Study participants admitted that they really wanted to
inspire greater commitment and possessiveness from their
mate as well as an increased closeness. We translate this
to mean that behind the scenes of jealous tactics, there is
a deep need for the person to know he or she is loved.

The person hoping to making a partner jealous is trying to
send the message: "I'm desirable--others are interested in
me-- Don't take me for granted."

Receiving a confirmation that you are loved, desirable and
important to the one you care about feels good. But when
you use jealous tactics to try to determine the level of
your partner's commitment, you're likely to come away with
some big-time problems that you hadn't expected. And these
problems can be difficult-- if not impossible-- to resolve.

A major problem that can directly result from jealousy is
a lack of trust. Weak or nonexistent trust between two
people is one of the biggest challenges couples today face.
It's also one of the biggest destroyers of relationships
and marriages.

Flirting, for example, can seem "harmless" until the
person trying to induce jealousy realizes that his or her
actions have just undermined trust in the relationship.
Now, not only does the person need to address the
commitment or other dynamics that the jealousy was supposed
to "cure," there is the added dimension of lacking trust
heaped on.

Jealous tactics reap more problems than solutions.
Candace follows through with her plan to make Dan jealous
by flirting with his friend Scott. And it works-- more
dramatically than she thought it would. Not only did Dan
become jealous, he also got into a violent argument with
Scott!

Throughout the evening of Candace's jealous tactics, Dan
became more and more visibly irritated. At first Dan's
irritation was slightly thrilling to Candace. She felt
affirmed in her decision to try jealous tactics and sure
that Dan would be ready to make a deeper commitment to her
at the end of the night. But as Dan became more upset, he
drank more beer. The combination of his drinking and his
jealous anger resulted in Dan yelling and even punching
Scott in the face.

Candace's initial elation was short-lived and the evening
ended as another friend of Dan's pulled him off Scott and
drove him home to sober up and calm down. Candace's
jealous tactics left her with an enraged boyfriend Dan, a
confused Scott with whom she'd been flirting and a sad
heart.

She is actually further away from the deeper commitment
than before. In fact, she is now wondering how she will
explain her behavior to Dan in the morning. Will he be
able to trust her again?

Jealousy is not a game to be used to manipulate another
person and it should certainly not be taken lightly.
Instead, we encourage you to be courageous and find other
ways to communicate your needs and desires for your
relationship to your partner. Integrity, honesty and
openness are great guideposts.

If jealousy is an issue in your relationship or marriage,
we recommend you pick up a copy of our program for
overcoming jealousy called "No More Jealousy."
It's available at http://www.nomorejealousy.com