Jealousy- Jealous Fears and Worries- Information, Suggestions and Tips to Stop Feeling Jealous in Your Love Relationship or Marriage

Jealous of Your Partner's Buddy?
By Susie and Otto Collins

Do you find yourself jealous of your love's best buddy? Maybe your mate seems-- to you-- to act more relaxed, have more fun and even share deeper confidences with his or her closest friend and not you. You probably want your partner to have friends and be connected with other people, but you also probably don't want to feel like you are less important than this buddy!

Maybe you feel embarrassed about feeling jealous of your partner's buddy. Your thoughts carry you into fearful and dark places when your mate is with this other special person in his or her life. Ultimately, your jealous fears and feelings are driving a wedge between you and your love.

When it comes down to it, whether or not your partner's buddy is a woman or a man and regardless of your partner's sexual preferences, if there is someone else in your mate's life whom you feel threatens your relationship, you might feel jealous. You might worry that the friendship could turn into something even deeper than it is now and, in the near future, your partner won't need or want you in his or
her life. You might also worry that the strong influence
of your partner's buddy will turn him or her away from you.

It is this fear of abandonment and perception of threat that often drives jealousy and leads you to make comments or take actions that you will probably later regret.

Brenda has always felt secure about herself and her sense of worth. She and Jimmy have dated for almost a year now and, unfortunately, her self-esteem and confidence have taken a turn for the worse. In Brenda's eyes, Jimmy's best friend from childhood is the problem.

When Jimmy introduced Brenda to his longtime friend Kim, Brenda was surprised. She is used to women being best friends with women and men being best friends with men, but not this. The decades-long friendship between Jimmy and Kim struck Brenda as odd but she didn't worry about it-- at first.

As Brenda and Jimmy's relationship has become more serious, Kim's continued close presence in Jimmy's life has begun to feel threatening to Brenda.

It seems that Jimmy turns first to Kim when he has a problem or when something great happens in his life. He talks with her on the phone frequently and they are both in the same running club so they regularly spend time together when Brenda is not around.

Brenda's jealousy has become so intense that she now makes sure that she is the first to answer the phone. If it's Kim, she pretends that the phone battery is low and then "forgets" to give Jimmy the
message. Brenda feels bad tricking Jimmy this way, but wants to lessen the time he spends with Kim!

Identify your needs for your relationship.
If you feel jealous of your partner's close friendship, try to first shift your focus. Rather than honing in on how much time or what level of connection your mate has with his or her buddy, look within yourself. Figure out what it is you need and want right now in your relationship.

We don't suggest that you decide that you "need" your partner to stop being friends with this person. Instead, look at how you feel and what kind of activities or interactions you'd like to share with your mate. What do you want?

When Brenda sits down and reflects on this whole situation, she realizes that she would like to feel a stronger connection between Jimmy and herself. She wants to feel like she and Jimmy can confide their deepest feelings in one another and that they truly enjoy spending time together. She knows that there are elements of this
already present in their relationship but she would like an even greater closeness.

Make requests to address your unmet needs.
As Brenda realizes more clearly what it is that she wants from her relationship with Jimmy, she notices that her jealousy was about more than just his close friendship with Kim. Brenda thinks about how she might talk with Jimmy about her feelings without making him feel like he has to choose between Kim and her. Instead, Brenda comes up with some requests that are focused on how the two of them
interact.

For example, Brenda knows that she can't force Jimmy to confide in her instead of Kim. But she can share with him that she'd like them to set aside more regular time to just check in with each other about how each is feeling. She can ask Jimmy if he is willing to create more time to try out new activities with Brenda so that their opportunities
for connection will grow. And she can make sure he knows that she would like to feel closer to him and get to know him even better.

If you find yourself feeling threatened by your partner's close connection with his or her best buddy, try to get a look at what's driving your jealous feelings. When you know what you want and take steps toward creating that fuller relationship, the friendship may not seem as upsetting to you.

Listen to your heart and to what your partner is willing to do. Your next step toward the relationship you really want will become clearer from this new vantage point.