|
|
|
|
Yes, We Men Also Get Jealous...Here's What We Can Do About ItBy Otto Collins Jim was stunned when his girlfriend accused him of being jealous. He's never considered himself to be a jealous person and, in fact, has generally associated jealous behavior with something that women do. According to Jim, jealousy is NOT a man's kind of problem. Yet, Jim will admit that there are times (more than he likes to acknowledge) when he feels protective of his girlfriend, Sue. They both love to dance and socialize. Sometimes, when he perceives that other men are looking at Sue or talking with her for too long, he finds himself pulling her away or directing her to a booth for just the two of them-- away from these admirers. From Sue's perspective what Jim can see himself doing occasionally and rather innocently, she feels annoyed and constricted by. To Sue, this kind of thing happen far too often. When Jim pulls her away from a conversation that she's having with another man, Sue becomes angry. Jim's reaction feels to Sue like mistrust and an indication that he thinks she's doing something wrong, when she's actually not. Yes, men also get jealous. Jealousy is what you might call an equal opportunity experience. Both women and men can fall into the habit of believing that their partner will leave them for another and that they need to be constantly on the defensive against possible threats to their relationship. Often, jealousy is portrayed as mainly a woman's problem. In movies, books and television shows, one might see a woman plotting against other women who she believes will take her man away from her. The stereotype of the jealous woman who fights off other women and interrogates her man to make sure he's staying true to her abounds in popular culture. This can carry over and influence our own beliefs and assumptions. Take responsibility for your own jealousy. Having the courage to recognize that you-- even as a man-- have a tendency to get jealous is a vital first step. If you have noticed that your woman has pulled away from you or that your relationship is more contentious than you'd like it to be, your jealousy could be a big part of the problem. Of course, there are possibly things that your partner could be doing differently that would improve your relationship. However, if you have a jealous habit, YOU need to own up to your share in the disconnection that's driving you and your woman apart. Set aside any beliefs that you may have that mostly (or only) women get jealous. This simply isn't true. Start to pay attention to the unique ways that jealousy usually plays out in your life. Do you tend to be protective or controlling of your woman? Do you like to know where she is at all times and who she's been with? Do you find yourself physically (or in other ways) putting distance between your woman and other men in order to remove any "threats" to your relationship? It could be that you don't do these things in obvious ways or all of the time. Any level of jealousy can drive your woman away from you and literally ruin your relationship. Catch yourself "in the act" of jealousy. Knowing how jealousy tends to play out for you and what triggers it are valuable pieces of information. When you know these things about your current habit, you can begin to catch yourself "in the act" before the jealousy and the situation inflate and get out of control. Pay attention to the clues in your body that accompany your jealousy. Your shoulders might tighten up, your fists might clench. You may feel cold or hot. Your blood pressure could seem like it's rising. These clues can help you notice that you are starting to feel jealous. You can also listen in more closely to the thoughts you are having. Whether the thoughts are concerns that your woman will be taken advantage of by another man or worries that she is lying to you like a past partner did, listen in on what you are thinking. Without making things worse by criticizing yourself for having these thoughts, stop them. At the very least, pause the line of thinking that is fueling your jealousy and ask yourself questions to verify how true or imagined the thoughts are. The more often you can catch yourself "in the act" of being jealous, the more often you can minimize and even prevent the nasty effects that jealousy inevitably brings to you and your relationship. Try a new way to respond. The power of this strategy is that you are providing yourself with space. Every time that you catch yourself "in the act" of jealousy, you give yourself the chance to choose a different way to respond to the situation. This is the place where you can learn new ways to be in your love relationship or marriage that can help make it closer, happier and more connected. ********************************************************** Get men's relationship advice and Otto Collins' FREE report: "10 Biggest Relationship and Passion-Killing Mistakes Men Make (and What To Do About It.)" when you sign up for his "Light Her Up" relationship advice newsletter for men at http://www.LightHerUp.com
P.O. Box 14544 © 2011 Susie and Otto Collins. All Rights Reserved.
|
All
About Jealousy