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3 Steps to Calming Your
Jealous Anger
By Susie and Otto Collins
Christy feels embarrassed about the tirade she let loose on her
boyfriend last night. It started out as a great evening out
together,
until she got jealous.
From Christy's perspective, some of her
boyfriend's answers to her questions about his recent business trip
were evasive. As their conversation progressed, she began to feel
jealous and thought he was holding back information from her and was
maybe even lying.
Because she's struggled with jealousy for quite some time, during
their conversation Christy tried not to jump to conclusions or to
make
accusations.
Even despite her efforts, she became more and more suspicious as the
night wore on and more and more angry. As they left the restaurant
on
their way to meet friends at a bar, Christy's boyfriend made an off-handed sarcastic remark about her “letting” him talk with their
friends (including other women).
After this remark, Christy couldn't hold in her anger any longer.
Right there in the restaurant parking lot, she screamed and yelled
at
him. She threw a rock at his car which left a big dent.
The next morning, what is most clear to Christy is that her jealous
anger is destructive-- not only to her boyfriend's car, but also to
her and her relationship.
If you tend to get angry when you're jealous, it might seem like
your
angry emotions are far beyond your control. Perhaps, like Christy,
you've tried to hold in your outrage, but it comes out anyway--
usually in really big and maybe even violent ways.
We don't need to tell you that your jealous anger is hurting your
partner, your relationship and you.
If you take an honest look at your partner, it's likely that he or
she
is defensive and possibly hesitant around you. Your mate might hold
back about how he or she truly feels or what is really going on, in
part, because there is fear about how you'll react.
While there are most likely things that your partner could be doing
differently, the change that you can most easily and quickly effect
is
change to your own habits...this includes your habit of getting
jealous and angry.
Try these 3 steps toward calming your jealous anger so that you can
start to create the kind of connected and trust-filled relationship
you want.
#1: Own your anger and know your triggers.
It is absolutely essential that you take ownership of your habit of
getting jealous and angry. Take responsibility both to yourself and
to your partner for this.
Remember, you are not taking
responsibility for everything that's “wrong” or a “problem” in your
relationship. What you are doing is to own your share of what's
tearing you and your mate apart.
As you acknowledge that you have a habit of getting jealous and
angry,
try to understand your own patterns better. Identify what seems to
trigger your anger. What words, behaviors or situations tend to set
off jealous thoughts for you most frequently?
#2: Learn strategies that truly calm and soothe your feelings.
Knowing your triggers can help you choose strategies that will be
the
most effective at truly calming you down.
If you think that gritting your teeth or choking back the words you
want to say is “calming down,” think again. That is NOT what we
mean.
It's really important for you to acknowledge your anger, your fears
and your jealousy. We encourage you to make a change in what you do
with what your emotions. Instead of merely saying or doing that
thing
that you are burning to say or do, we advise you to soothe yourself
first.
Notice that you're stirred up and then get curious about what's
triggered you and what's really going on.
Chances are, you're
thinking some things about what your partner said or did and these
things just may not be true. Question the assumptions you might be
making about a situation.
Ask yourself if there is reliable proof
for
what you think you are seeing or hearing.
If there's not, this can be your signal to decide to let the thought
go (because it's false) or to gather some more evidence-- without
doing it from a place of accusation or blame.
Remind yourself to breathe deeply and slowly as you do this inner
questioning and decision-making.
#3: Create conscious agreements to support the change you seek.
As we said above, it's likely that there is a significant role that
your partner is also playing in the dynamic between you two.
While you cannot force your partner to make a change or even to take
responsibility for his or her share in the dynamic, you can request
that the two of you create some conscious agreements.
If, for example, your mate tends to withhold information or lies,
you
could come up with some agreements that the two of you can both be
okay with that will help you rebuild trust.
The agreement might
sound
something like this: “We agree to be open and honest with each other
about everything AND we agree to listen to one another with presence
and an intention to understand where the other one is coming from.”
You might also propose a conscious agreement that will support your
desire to stop getting so angry and jealous. It could be something
like this: “If either or both of us ever feels threatened-- either
physically, emotionally or otherwise-- by the other during a
conversation, we agree to take a time out. We will both go to
separate rooms, breathe, let out our emotions in safe ways and then
come back together again to re-address the issue.”
Once you and your partner have created an agreement, it's a wise
idea
for each of you to speak it aloud so that you can be sure that you
both have the same understanding of what you are agreeing to.
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(614) 459-8121 Email
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© 2011 Susie and Otto Collins. All Rights Reserved.
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