Jealousy- In-the-Moment Strategy to Stop Jealous Thoughts- Information and Advice about Jealousy

An In-the-Moment Strategy to Stop Your Jealous Thoughts
By Susie and Otto Collins

Kris' husband Paul is late coming home from work again and, as
usual, he hasn't called. It seems to Kris that this pattern has been
happening with more and more frequency lately.

She can't seem to stop her mind about it.

Worrisome, jealous thoughts about where Paul is, what he is doing and with whom he is doing it with crowd her head.

She feels fearful that he has been having an affair and is lying to her when he finally arrives home and claims that his boss kept him late yet again.

The trouble is, by the time that Paul comes home, Kris' jealous
fears have usually led to an upset stomach, headache and an
unwillingness within Kris to believe anything that Paul has to say.

The distance between the two of them seems to only be growing.

Have you ever been in a situation in which you don't know what's
going on with your partner and you seem all caught up in jealousy?

It might very well be that your jealous fears are warranted and that
this is something that you need to pay attention to and maybe even
taken action about.

It could also be that your jealous fears deserve your attention, but
they are not accurately reflecting what's truly happening.

In either case, it's vital that you pay attention to the feelings
that you are having. We don't, however, advise you to take action
(or make an accusation to your mate) until you are in a clearer and
calmer place.

The never-ending, unpleasant song.
When you are caught up in jealous thoughts, it's kind of like when a
catchy song becomes stuck in your head. You might enjoy this song.
It could be one of your favorites.

But when this song plays and replays itself over and over again in
your mind-- especially if it's 3 am and you are trying to sleep-- you
probably become frustrated and irritated!

For Kris, the jealous thought, "I bet that Paul is meeting another
woman right now," runs through her head like that never-ending song.

At first, she can temporarily dismiss the thought. She can try to
tell herself that he might actually be working. Quite quickly,
though, the same jealous thought re-occurs to her.

It begins to repeat again and again and branch off into related
assumptions. Pretty soon, all that Kris can hear in her mind are
these never-ending jealous thoughts.

Consciously shift your focus.
What do you do when a song or tune keeps playing over and over again
in your mind?

You might turn on your radio or cd player to listen to a different
song. You might pick up an engaging book or magazine and begin to
read. You may call a friend to chat.

You probably make a deliberate decision to shift your focus away
from the song in your head.

And, as you successfully move your attention to something else, it's likely that the song "plays" in your mind less and less until it's no longer incessantly looping.

You can treat your jealous thoughts with this same technique.

There will, of course, be a time when you need to obtain a deeper
understanding about why jealousy gets triggered for you in the first
place.

Your jealousy could be linked to unresolved mistrust from the past,
distance in your present relationship or possibly connected with
feelings of insecurity.

In the moment, however, it's important for you to prevent the
jealous thoughts from taking over.

When you "turn down the volume" on your jealousy and create space for greater clarity, you can then make a more conscious decision about how you want to respond.

We don't suggest that you rely on distraction or avoidance.

We do recommend that you find ways to re-focus your attention away
from the specific jealous thoughts and onto what it is that you do
know and what it is that you do want.

Kris is able to use deep breathing and a conscious re-direction of
her attention to calm down and minimize her incessantly looping
jealous thoughts.

She is still concerned about Paul's behavior and she wants to communicate with him about this.

Now she is better able to do just that.

When Paul does arrive home over an hour late with no phone call that
evening, he finds Kris sitting at the dinner table looking unhappy.
She is not in bed with a headache and upset stomach as she has been in the recent past.

With a clear knowing of what she wants, Kris asks Paul if he can
make some specific agreements with her about his schedule.

She shares with him that she becomes worried and fearful when he does not call and is late coming home.

While Kris cannot be certain about whether or not Paul will follow
through and honor the agreements they are making, she feels more open to possibility that he might.

She still does not know for sure if he is having an affair or not, but she does feel good that they are at least talking about one aspect of the tension between them.

Ultimately, in this moment, Kris feels more empowered because she
made requests and finally spoke up about how she feels.