How to Cope with the Initial Trauma of an
||Dr. Frank Gunzburg
When you learn that the person you built
your life around was unfaithful to you, the sense of betrayal can be
almost unbearable. In a single moment, you are ripped from a life
you have counted on and felt safe in. You may feel as though the rug
has been pulled out from under you and now you are standing on
nothing at all. Your relationship was a foundation for your life;
now that it is gone, what can you possibly do?
In the midst of this, you look outside for
reasons this happened. You demand explanations for what has happened
to the life you worked so hard and took so long to build. You tend
to focus outward, hoping that something will happen to make the pain
you feel go away or, at least, subside for a little while.
More than anything, you probably just want
it all to go away. You want to go back to the life you knew, to the
life you thought was safe; to the stable life you thought you had
with your loved one. If this is what you want, it is possible. In
fact, it is possible for you to actually build a better relationship
than you have ever had with the person with whom you share your
life. But this journey will take some time and effort.
The first step on this path to recovery is
to stop looking outside for emotional healing and start looking
within. It may seem contradictory at first, but you must accept that
the affair has happened and take a careful look at how it is
affecting your thoughts and feelings. Once you have done this, you
can start to help yourself heal from the emotional trauma you are
experiencing right now.
Shockwave #1: "How could this happen?"
On the one hand, the question reveals a kind
of disbelief on the part of the injured. Never in their wildest
dreams would they have believed something like this could happen to
them. Most people can't.
Shockwave #2: "How long has this been going
on without my knowing it?"
People often ask this
question because they feel foolish and blind for missing the fact
that their partners were having affairs. Not only do people feel
deceived, they often feel betrayed or played like "suckers." You are being too hard on yourself
if you are criticizing yourself as a dope for being deceived. The
fact that you trusted your partner and didn't "see it coming" isn't
a detriment to your character.
Shockwave #3: "How many people know about
You may find yourself wanting to know if
other people in your circle of friends and family know about the
affair. You may even feel betrayed if you find out they did know
about the affair and didn't tell you about it. These feelings are
all very normal.
Shockwave #4: "How could my partner do this
This is the ultimate question about
betrayal. And it isn't an easy nut to crack. In the course of the
work on which you are embarking in this system, you will be offered
an answer to this question. It isn't as distinct as you might hope. For now, I encourage you to leave questions of this nature out
of your exploration about the affair and how it has impacted your
life as best you can. Turn the energy spent on this kind of
questioning inward, and start looking for ways you can heal from the
terrible damage done to you by the affair. Focusing inward rather
than outward will be much more rewarding.
Shockwave #5: "How can I ever trust my
This is a very reasonable question. When you
count on one person to provide a safe environment for you to love
them and that person betrays your trust, it might seem you will
never be able to trust them again.
Shockwave #6: "Have there been other
affairs or is this it?"
This is one of those questions for which you
might never get a satisfactory answer. The sad truth is that when a
cheater cheats once, they are more likely to do so again. This is
particularly true if they had a "good" experience with the first
infidelity. If that was the case, it can easily establish a strong reinforcer for doing it again.
Shockwave #7: "Am I overreacting?"
The short answer to this question is
you aren't." If you are having powerful negative feelings about the
fact that your partner cheated on you, this is perfectly normal. When
fidelity is violated, it might feel as though the fidelity itself
was solely responsible for the safety and stability you felt in your
relationship. If this trust is broken, it can feel as if the whole
world suddenly became an unsafe place. In some ways, it has. Your
world is less safe than you once knew.
Shockwave #8: "Am I being a doormat?"
You have to know that this is your life. No
one else is going to live the consequences of your decisions and
actions. The love you feel is special and perhaps too rare in this
world. If you want to make your relationship work, you can - but not
by yourself - it definitely takes both of you working to improve
your relationship to make it successful. And it doesn't necessarily
mean you are a doormat; you might just be the bigger person.
Shockwave #9: "Does this mean the
relationship is over?"
Not if you don't want it to be. If you are
invested in this relationship and want to make it work, you can. You
can make it better than you ever dreamed possible.
"Discover How to Restore the Trust After An Affair -
"I'll show you
how to end the pain, restore the
trust, ask the tough questions, and
most importantly, determine exactly
how your marriage or relationship
can be saved after an affair
AND how likely it is that an affair
will happen again (and what you can
do right now to prevent it)..."
Dr. Frank Gunzburg
Download this FREE new 7-step email course from Dr.
Frank Gunzburg and start learning today how to
restore the trust back into your relationship.
- How to start
the healing process after an affair
- How to cope
with initial trauma of the affair
- How to take
control of your emotions and stay sane
- How to get the
images out of your mind
- How to talk
about the details of the affair
- Why the affair
happened and how to prevent it from happening
- Steps for
restoring the trust back into the relationship
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|Dr. Frank Gunzburg is a
licensed counselor in Maryland and has been specializing is
helping couples restore their marriage for over 30 years. He
is also the author of How to Survive an Affair, a
step-by-step healing system that can help a couple repair
their relationship after it has been shattered from an
If your relationship has been
damaged by an affair and you would like a step-by-step
system for repairing your relationship, then please visit
Dr. Gunzburg's site for more information:
This article was used by permission
from How to Survive An Affair:
Neglecting Your Partner's Needs