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Relationship Advice: Isn't
Jealousy an Inevitable Part of Being in Love? By Susie and Otto Collins Boy meets girl; they fall in love. Boy meets second girl. First girl feels jealous; boy feels torn. Pain, disconnection and maybe even betrayal ensues. Boy and girl part ways. If you follow the Murphy's Law theory of relationships, you might believe that this is the "natural" course of a love relationship or marriage. It might seem to you that it's bound to work out this way. The genders might be switched in your experience, but the dynamic is the same. Some people simply expect that in a relationship there will be competition and temptation-- there will inevitably be trouble. These expectations also make jealousy seem a foregone conclusion. For some it seems that we live in a world where you have to be vigilant and look out for those who will try to take what's "yours." Others see their partner as untrustworthy and bound to break agreements. Either of these mindsets can create fear, worry and upset. Fears about losing your love to another can certainly eat a person up inside and jealousy is a common manifestation of such beliefs. Randi has been in enough relationships to know that men just can't be trusted. She has been hurt by too many past loves to fully let down her guard with her current boyfriend Dan. And when Randi feels overcome by jealous feelings about Dan's attractive female co-workers, she sees those emotions as inevitable. It's all part of being in a relationship, Randi thinks to herself with regret. Unfortunately, Randi's attitude about relationships and men is bothering Dan. He doesn't understand why Randi seems distant at times or what he did to deserve to be questioned with such suspicion just about every time they get together. Dan is quite aware that Randi doesn't trust him and he's starting to get frustrated by her treatment of him. So is jealousy inevitable? Does the Murphy's Law of relationships hold true? Our answer to both questions is not necessarily..... You can choose to live in the present moment. If you can open up to the possibility that a jealousy-free and even infidelity-free relationship experience is a reality that you can have, you are a huge step closer to living the life you would probably prefer. It is just about impossible to improve your current relationship when you're primarily focused on past ones. So keep bringing yourself back into the present moment in your shift toward more connection, closeness and trust in your relationship. After a long and honest talk with a close friend, Randi sees how much her jealousy and overall attitude about relationships and men are damaging her chance at love with Dan. Randi's friend suggests that she stop comparing him with her past boyfriends and expecting him to cheat or hurt her as they did. This was startling for Randi to hear, but she did listen. If you find yourself focusing your attention on the past or doing a lot of comparing, consider the possible negative effects that this might be having on your present life. Not only is it unfair to expect that your current partner will treat you or behave in exactly the same way a past partner did, you also miss out on the great stuff that might be happening for you right now. Watch your thoughts. When you notice a thought or assumption that is more about the past than this moment, gently guide it back to the now. You can take a deep breath and consciously feel your feet on the ground or floor. Tune in to the way your current surroundings look and feel. Now really listen and pay attention to the person you are with. Try to mostly observe what's going on rather than anticipate what you think might happen next. You can choose to calm your own fears and worries. Randi is getting better at bringing herself back into the present moment. And she's even finding that she's enjoying Dan more. She is able to open up to him a little more than before and is wanting to know more about Dan as an individual-- not as another "untrustable man." But while they are apart-- especially when Dan is at work with his attractive female co-workers-- Randi still experiences waves of jealous fear and worry. Just as watching your thoughts is a way to bring yourself back to the present moment, the same practice can help you calm your fears and worries. Acknowledge the way that you're feeling-- even when it's jealous or fearful. Allow yourself to feel those emotions and then ask yourself more about the thoughts or assumptions that are fueling those feelings. You might try asking yourself, "Do I know this to be true?" when you come upon a thought that feels especially intense or provoking. Remember to breathe and keep shifting your focus back to what you absolutely know to be accurate information. When you need to know more, formulate questions for your partner from a place of curiosity rather than suspicion or interrogation. This may take some practice, but keep at it. You can change your expectations and your usual way of being in a relationship. It might feel odd or unusual at first, but keep experimenting. You will know that you are on a path to trust when you feel jealous less of the time and connected in with your love more of the time. P.O. Box 14544
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