Jealousy- How to Handle the Intensity of Jealous Feelings- Information and Advice about Jealousy

How to Not Get Run Over When Your Jealousy Feels Like a Freight Train
By Susie and Otto Collins

If you have a tendency to be jealous, your emotions can feel like a freight train-- out of control, overwhelming and very dangerous.

The effects of jealousy on you, your partner and your relationship can be devastating. The connection between the two of you can be obliterated in the aftermath of a jealous outburst, or even one that you attempt to contain.

Difficult feelings that accompany jealousy such as fear, anger and even panic can well up within you and appear very powerful.

Sometimes jealousy can seem more powerful than you can handle.

This is usually when the arguments happen, the tears and accusations fly and you both may end up hurting and disconnected from one another.

Jealousy can crop up as a reaction to things your partner says or does. Perhaps he or she does have a tendency to flirt with others.

Or maybe your mate cheated in the past and you worry that it will happen again.

There are many situations and dynamics in which it is understandable that jealousy would be triggered. We want to make it clear that we don't judge anyone who has a tendency to be jealous as the "problem" in a troubled relationship.

Instead, we want to help those, perhaps like you, who are often jealous and who might feel overwhelmed by the barrage of intense feelings that usually go along with jealousy.

We want to remind you that it doesn't have to be this way!

You don't have to live a life dominated by fear, anger, or other jealous emotions.

Eli just can't seem to stop himself. His partner, Shannon, travels frequently for business meetings. Every time she is away, Eli has horrible images in his head of Shannon cheating on him with other men.

In fact, Eli has developed a friendship with a co-worker who often travels with Shannon. After each trip, he asks this co-worker specific information about who Shannon talked with, ate with and any other potentially "suspicious" behaviors.

This time his "spy" reports that Shannon ate all of her meals at the hotel with the same man and that she seemed to be enjoying talking with him.

Eli is enraged and jealous fears have been building within him ever since he received this information from Shannon's co-worker.

Eli doesn't know how he'll contain his jealousy when he sees Shannon that evening. He has already made up his mind about what happened.

Recognize that you're jealous.
As overly-simple and obvious as it might sound, recognizing that you are jealous is a vital first step in stopping jealousy before it runs right over you and your relationship.

Especially when there are intense emotions involved, a trigger can be set off and you can easily flip into jealousy-mode where you are not really thinking consciously about what you are doing or saying.

This is why jealousy can truly seem like an out of control freight train!

Get into the habit of regularly acknowledging how you are feeling. When you are calm, happy, irritated, angry-- whatever you are feeling, practice noticing it.

If you are able to state to yourself something like, "I am jealous right now" or "I notice a tension in the pit of my stomach," you are on your way to recognizing jealousy and to stopping it in its tracks.

Before meeting up with Shannon that evening, Eli stumbles upon a website about jealousy in relationships. As he reads the information provided, Eli starts to see how huge his jealousy has become.

He feels frustrated because the last thing he wants is to ruin his relationship with Shannon with his jealousy. At the same time, the last thing he also wants is to be "made a fool of" by infidelity.

In simply acknowledging the stuck place he is in, Eli notices that some of the intensity he felt earlier has eased. He is still upset and wants to talk with Shannon, but he is less sure that she is guilty of anything at all.

Interrupt the jealousy train.
Once you recognize that you are jealous, do whatever you can to interrupt the momentum of those fears or anger.

Some people interrupt their unwanted habits by literally getting up and physically moving around.

Doing something that you wouldn't normally do when you feel triggered can help you gain some clarity and provide you with the space to make a different choice.

You could question the thoughts that are coming up for you. Ask yourself if you know to be true whatever it is you are so "certain of."

With a little questioning, you might find that you need more information to be sure of what you previously thought was a fact.

When you do approach your partner with a request for more information to address your concerns, be sure you are making a request for information and not an allegation or accusation.

Eli goes for a run that evening before meeting up with Shannon. During his run, he goes over again what Shannon's co-worker told him.

He realizes that the fact that she shared meals and conversation with the same man over the course of the business trip doesn't mean that she cheated.

In fact, Eli is starting to feel uncomfortable with his own practice of spying on Shannon through this co-worker. He wants there to a feeling of deep trust between he and Shannon and he is beginning to see that using this "spy" is not going to help with trust.

When Eli meets up with Shannon, instead of greeting her with veiled hostility and jealousy-infused questions, he gives her a big hug and kiss.

He admits to Shannon that he's been doing a lot of soul searching lately and he feels confused and vulnerable when it comes to their
relationship.

Eli asks Shannon if they can explore some ways together that they might build up trust in their relationship. She agrees to this.

Believe it or not, you can choose to stop jealousy before it gets out of control.

And, if you are triggered and it seems too huge to handle, you can interrupt it and put yourself and your relationship back on a track that you choose-- one that leads to closer connection.