Jealousy Survival Tips: "I'm Jealous and I Don't Know Why!"

By Susie and Otto Collins

Have you ever been jealous and you can't understand why you feel the
way you do?

Your partner proves him or herself to you as honest, faithful and
trustworthy time and time again. But you still find yourself getting
jealous frequently and, often, at surprising moments.

You might find your jealous tendencies frustrating, confusing and
even embarrassing. As much as you try to talk yourself out of being
jealous by pointing out how great your mate is, a part of you still
doubts, fears and is mistrustful.

In fact, you've probably noticed that the connection between you and
your partner has become strained and stressed, in part, because of
your jealousy-- and also because of the confused upset you might also
be feeling.

A situation like this can make you feel helpless and at the whim of
your own emotions-- that don't always make sense even to you. There
are steps you can take to better understand where the jealousy is
coming from and then to find relief and eventual release from it.

Emma sometimes has a difficult time knowing what to believe. She's
been with Sam for over 5 years now and she loves him deeply. But she is aware of the distance in her relationship to which her jealous
tendencies have contributed.

She's gone over Sam's behaviors and words over and over again in her
mind to discover what it is that he does that triggers her jealousy.
There's nothing that Emma can find.

This frustrates her even more and makes her feel angry with herself.

Emma (and Sam) can't even predict when she'll get jealous-- it often
seem random. But when jealousy comes up within Emma, she has to take a few hours away by herself. Otherwise she yells at him and says things that she always later regrets.

Get curious about your jealousy.
If you are jealous and you truly don't know why, it's time to dig
deep within yourself-- and usually your past-- and figure out why.

Take out a piece of paper and try this exercise:

Start out by remembering the last time you felt jealous. What were
the specific thoughts that ran through your mind at that time? What
emotions were strongest for you.

If there was a specific situation that seemed to trigger your jealousy, what was it?

Write these all down on your paper as they come to you-- don't spend
too much time analyzing it.

Now think back to your past.

Include past love relationships you've had, former job or educational experiences and also your childhood and family memories. As you scan back through your past, do any specific memories leap out at you?

If so, write down a brief account of what you remember. Pay
particular attention to any similarities between this memory of the
past and your more recent memory of being jealous.

These clues could point to a connection. There might be unresolved
pain that you are holding on to about this past that is creeping into
your present.

The memory from long ago may not seem to be about jealousy at all.
Perhaps, instead, it instilled in you messages about being betrayed,
having to stay "on guard" against the "bad" things or not having
enough of something.

It there are no obvious connections between the past memory and your recollection of being jealous, you could keep going and pull up
another past memory or you might take a break for now.

Be gentle with yourself. Clarity will come to you in time.

Heal and release the past.
Emma is surprised at what she finds when she looks into her past in
relation to her jealousy. A memory from childhood comes to Emma when she does this exercise.

She vividly remembers having to awaken her alcoholic father each
morning so that he could stumble into work. As the oldest in the
family, this was always Emma's "job" as her mother tried to get her
younger siblings ready for school.

There were also the loud arguments and broken furniture that Emma
remembers when her father had more than usual to drink that day.

These were difficult times for Emma growing up, but there were also
many times when her father's alcoholism wasn't as evident and her
household was a happier place.

Emma is able to see that, even despite the better times, she is
still carrying around hurt feelings and pain from these past
experiences.

She can recognize how being on guard for one of her father's drunken tirades and not being able to count on the primary man in her life were messages cemented by these experiences.

For Emma, there is a connection between these messages and her
overriding feelings of mistrust and wariness around Sam which usually
manifest as jealousy.

When you can make a connection and gain a clearer understanding of
what might be fueling your jealousy, follow up by asking yourself
what you need in order to heal this part of yourself.

It may take time to fully release the hold this event-- or series or
events-- might have on you. You can, however, begin to feel a sense
of relief as you gradually heal.

You best know what you need to do in order to begin the healing.
Stay tuned in to yourself and keep listening and following through.

As you start releasing the pain of the past, you will most likely
find that your jealousy eases up and can even dissolve.