Jealousy- Techniques to Help Calm Your Jealous Mind

4 Techniques to Help Calm Your Jealous Mind
By Susie and Otto Collins

Jealousy can feel uncontrollable. You might experience jealousy as a wrenching or a sick feeling in your gut. Or, you may feel like you are being consumed by fearful and worrisome thoughts that just won't go away.

There are different ways that people feel jealous.

What is the usually the same, however, is jealousy's effects.

Jealousy can contribute to distance and disconnection in your love relationship or marriage. It can seem to cause you to say or do things that you might later regret.

And jealousy is also uncomfortable, distressing and painful to experience. If allowed to fester and grow, a jealous habit can play a role in the development of actual physical and mental health challenges.

One thing we know for certain. It is nearly impossible to make clear and mindful decisions about your relationship and your life when jealousy dominates.

Your jealous thoughts might be based in a present relationship situation that truly needs attention. It could be that an honest discussion-- including boundary-setting and agreements-- between you and your partner about particular behaviors would be beneficial.

Your jealous thoughts might be based in the past, on the other hand. This could lead your partner to say things like, "It's all in your head."

Old wounds and limiting beliefs about yourself and/or others are feeding your jealous fears.

Regardless of whether your jealousy derives in the past or the present, you need a clear mind and an accurate perspective of what's going on so that you can make decisions that will positively impact your relationship and your future life.

Try these 4 techniques to help you calm and clear your jealous mind...

#1) Breathe
Deep, diaphragmatic breathing is a tried and true friend that can help you through the most difficult moments. Because each of us is alive, we breathe.

But, we don't always breathe deeply or in ways that can help bring us greater ease and clarity.

Place your attention on your belly or abdominal area. As you inhale, make your abdomen gently move out, somewhat like an inflated balloon. As you exhale, watch your abdomen move back in, as if that balloon is deflating.

None of this should be forced. Breathe gently and deeply and feel yourself relax with each breath.

If you are having a difficult time keeping your mind from wandering, say something simple to yourself such as "breathing in" (as you inhale) and "breathing out" (as you exhale).

#2) Tense-Relax
You may already be familiar with this exercise. Consciously tense a particular part of your body, such as your arms and hands. Hold that tightness for 10-15 seconds (more or less) and then let go.

Pinpoint the areas where you tend to store stress such as your shoulders, jaw, arms and buttocks.

Systematically go through these parts of your body tensing and then releasing and relaxing them. Remember to breathe deeply as you release and relax.

Not only does the tense-relax technique help you to release built up stress, it can re-direct your attention away from jealous thoughts and provide you with the space to become clearer and calmer.

This technique can also help you return your awareness to your body and yourself and become more keenly aware of this present moment.

Because jealous thoughts often revolve around assumptions and guesses, it can be extremely beneficial to return to where you are and to what you know.

#3) Affirmation, Prayer or Mantra
Do you have a favorite saying or quote that boosts you when you feel down or upset? If so, write it down on a piece of paper and carry it in your pocket or purse. Post it at your desk.

Use an affirmation such as: "I trust life to bring the best to me" or "I love and accept myself the way that I am" to re-direct your thoughts away from your worries when they arise and seem to gather strength.

You might also recite a prayer to yourself when your jealousy feels out of control.

These are not meant to avoid the real feelings that you are having. Instead, an affirmation, mantra or prayer can be used to remind yourself of the truths that are most important to you and your belief system.

These might involve God or a Higher Power always being there to benevolently guide you. Or, they could include an assertion that you are a worthy and lovable human being.

#4) Question jealous thoughts
Teacher Byron Katie teaches an invaluable technique called "The Work" that can help you get out from under your jealous thoughts and fears.

Please read more about "The Work," but for now, here is a simplified version:

When a particularly heightened jealous thought comes into your mind, notice it.

Ask yourself, "Do I know __________ to be true?"

Then ask the follow-up question, "Do I absolutely know ___________ to be true?"
(Your answer might be a "yes" or it might be a "no.")

There are more steps to Katie's technique. But, for now, we want you to learn how to question the accuracy of the jealous thoughts you are having.

Quite often, this simple act of realizing that you truly don't know can loosen the hold that jealousy seems to have over you.

From there, you can choose to get more information about whatever you are concerned about. You might also realize that your jealousy is actually about something else, perhaps an unmet need.

If so, you can re-focus on the dynamic (often within yourself) that is at the roots of jealousy.

You can practice any or all of these techniques when you are not feeling jealous or upset. In fact, they will probably come to you easier when you are feeling intensely if you try them out when you are feeling more even-keeled.

Use them when you are by yourself and feeling jealous or in the middle of a tense moment with your partner.

In both cases, you can rely on tools and techniques such as these to interrupt jealousy and then you may consciously choose your next step.