Pick Your "Battles" Wisely When Your
Partner Looks Too Long at Others
and You Have a History of Being Jealous
By Susie and Otto Collins
It's Friday night and Sue and Chuck are out on a date. They've been
together for 3 years now which has given both of them an ample
opportunity to learn one another's tendencies.
Chuck, for example, enjoys watching beautiful women. Even while on a
date with Sue, Chuck very openly and obviously admires attractive
food servers and other women dining at the same restaurant.
He doesn't say a word to these women, so he believes that it's all
completely harmless and innocent.
Sue, however, does not agree. She already gets
jealous easily--
partly because her former boyfriend cheated and she worries that
this
will happen again.
When Chuck looks too long at their server's
backside as she walks away from their table, Sue sighs loudly and
storms off to the bathroom.
Sue feels stuck. Because she has made comments to Chuck in the past
that came solely from jealousy, she doesn't know how to talk about
this habit of his that feels offensive and inappropriate from her
point of view.
If you have a history of being jealous, when a situation arises in
your relationship in which your partner looks too long at another
person or flirts with another, you might feel just as stuck as Sue
does.
Perhaps you've already tried to talk with your mate about how you
upset you get when you see this looking or flirting and your
partner's response was to dismiss you or get defensive.
You might even question your own judgment because of your jealous
habit.
Here are a few tips to help you know when it's time to talk about
what's bothering you...
*When you can identify specific words or behaviors of your partner
that seem to you to be inappropriate.
*When you can identify specific words or behaviors of another person
toward your partner that seem to you to be inappropriate.
*When you feel distant and disconnected from your mate because of
particular events.
The key is to recognize that you are upset about something that's
going on right now in your present relationship that you can see,
hear or detect with your senses.
You and your partner may have a
different understanding of what's appropriate and what's not, but
this doesn't negate your view.
On the other hand, if you are only guessing about how your partner
is with others or if you heard gossip that is possibly unreliable,
your jealousy might be getting the upper hand.
Pick your "battles" wisely.
Think before you speak because this actually can be a conversation
and NOT a battle or argument after all. While you may want to hash
things out with your partner right after you see him looking too
long
at another woman, for example, this may not be the best time to
talk.
Take some time alone to sort out your jealous fears from what you
can verify is really going on. It will probably not be an effective
conversation if your partner just discounts what you have to say as
being jealous talk.
When you are ready, find a private place to talk where you two will
not be disturbed or distracted. Ask your mate to hear what you have
to say and let him know that you will listen to him as well.
Avoid name-calling or phrases like, "You always stare at other
women" or "You are such a flirt!"
Instead, focus on "I feel" statements. You might say, "I felt angry
and rejected when I saw you watching our server's backside as she
walked away from our table last night at dinner."
Come to the talk prepared.
Before you sit down to communicate with your mate about this, get
clear about what is most important for you to say to him.
Do you have a specific request for how you'd like your partner to
act differently in the future? If so, speak that request and ask if
he or she is willing to do this.
If your partner is unwilling, what will you do? How open to
negotiations about this are you?
You might also ask your partner to create an agreement with you that
will address both of your habits that are tearing you two apart.
This might mean that you agree to continue working on your jealousy
and to stop making accusations that come from jealousy. It might
also mean that your mate agrees to interact with others in more
limited ways-- in other words, less (or no) flirting and less (or
no)
looking too long.
Stay in touch with your priorities as you have this talk.
Remember, the ultimate goal here is to stop doing those things that
are moving you and your partner further and further away from one
another and to develop new, connecting habits instead.
P.O. Box 14544
Columbus, Ohio 43214
(614) 459-8121 Email
us
© 2011 Susie and Otto Collins. All Rights Reserved.
What
is Jealousy?
Jealousy
Articles
Jealousy
Quotes
Recommended
Relationship Resources
Relationship
Coaching
About
Susie
and Otto
Links
Link
to Us
Site
Map
Terms of Service
Privacy Policy
Home
|
All
About Jealousy