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Jealousy Advice: When
Jealousy Gets Tangled Up with
Unclear Agreements
By Susie and Otto Collins
Jealousy is no fun and it can cause a lot of trouble and
disconnection in a love relationship or marriage. When you
feel fearful or concerned that your partner is going to
leave you for another, jealousy might emerge. From a
jealous place you might say or do things that you wouldn't
normally do-- and then usually regret it.
There are many possible relationship scenarios in which
jealousy becomes tangled up with the fact that the people
in the relationship have not made clear agreements with one
another-- or perhaps agreements have been made but they are
not being kept. It can be that jealousy is dismissed as one
person's "problem" because he or she is holding onto the
past or is simply insecure and can't handle anyone else
getting attention.
Jealousy can most certainly be primarily about one person
believing that all of his or her partners will cheat. It
can also be the case that a person might feel so unworthy
of happiness and love that others are seen as an instant
threat to the person's love relationship. These are very
real issues that contribute to jealousy and should not be
discounted.
However, there are times when the relationship dynamics
become even more confused and messier than usual. It is
quite possible that jealousy is only one-dimension of the
challenges a couple faces. Few or no agreements in a
relationship can create a large gap between the two people
as each of their unspoken expectations and relationship
rules are unwittingly broken or ignored.
When there is little or no communication about what each
person in the relationship expects, the risk of upset, hurt
and disconnection only grows larger. Whether you want to
admit it or not, you have rules. These rules might stem
from your moral upbringing or it could pertain to strong
preferences you have for how you like to live your life.
They might include an expectation that you and your mate
will be monogamous or they might not.
Jennifer's live-in boyfriend Paul has always been active
on the internet. He has accounts on various social
networking sites and also stays in e-mail contact with many
friends and acquaintances, including a few partners from
his past. Jennifer always felt a little uncomfortable with
Paul's continued and regular online contact with his ex-
girlfriends but she didn't want to cramp his style so she
never communicated how she felt about it to him.
However, when Jennifer accidentally found nude photos of
Paul's former partners on their shared computer, Jennifer
felt upset and intensely jealous. She hasn't told Paul
that she found the photos and now is worried that he'll
leave her to reunite with one of these women. In fact,
she's considered secretly contacting the women telling them
that they cannot e-mail with Paul anymore. To make matters
worse, now when Paul and Jennifer are making love she feels
awkward and fearful. She worries that Paul is only
thinking of his ex-girlfriends and those photos....
What relationship agreements do you have with your partner?
If you are in a situation similar to that of Paul and
Jennifer, take some time to look at the relationship
agreements that you do have with your partner. It might
help you to understand your jealous feelings-- or those of
your partner-- if you consider the specific agreements that
you two have made to one another.
You might be surprised to realize that you two have not
communicated clearly about the topic of monogamy, for
example and what that means to each of you. Perhaps Paul
and Jennifer have never explicitly made an agreement about
being monogamous with one another. Maybe they each assumed
that the other held the same relationship rule around what
exactly being monogamous means.
As uncomfortable as you might feel talking about something
that you believe should be assumed, consider having the
conversation anyway. A lot of hurt and distance between a
couple could be avoided if only more honest and clear talk
about relationship rules happened!
What relationship agreements would you like to make?
After you have a better idea of what you and your mate
have agreed upon together, you can begin to decide what you
want to make agreements about. If might also be that you
two made agreements a long time ago and one or neither of
you are keeping that agreement. If so, it might be time to
talk again about expectations and then make new agreements.
Start out by going within and figuring out what rules and
expectations you have for your current relationship.
Jennifer knows that she considers holding onto nude photos
of an ex-partner to be a form of cheating. She is not only
uncomfortable with Paul's behavior, she also feels betrayed
by it. Jennifer makes an intention to address her jealous
feelings and she also plans to sit down with Paul and
finally share with him her relationship rules. She hopes
that they can make an agreement about the photos and his
online communications that will be acceptable to both of
them.
When you state your personal relationship rules and make a
request to your partner for an agreement, be sure to make
it a true request. Yes, you probably feel strongly about
certain issues. And yes, you have every right to be in a
relationship where what you want is respected and honored.
At the same time, don't present your rules and agreements
requests in a judgmental way. Try to stay open and just
listen to where your partner is coming from. Grant him or
her the same attentiveness and respect that you desire.
Look for places where each of your relationship rules
overlap. From that space, create agreements that you both
are willing to keep.
When jealousy comes up in your relationship-- for you or
your partner-- it's always a signal to step back and take a
closer look at your own self-beliefs as well as your
relationship dynamics. Keep your focus on the kind of
relationship you want and courageously yet lovingly
communicate that vision to your partner. Know that you can
both be happy and move closer together.
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