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Admit Your Jealous Habit and
Then Let it Go By Susie and Otto Collins Have you ever had a habit that you weren't very proud of? Perhaps it was chewing your fingernails, interrupting others when they speak, or maybe eating off a friend's dinner plate. You might find yourself hiding from others-- and yourself-- the fact that you tend to do this thing that might be unpleasant, annoying or even harmful. Jealousy is certainly a habit that is harmful to yourself and your relationship. There's no doubt that jealousy causes distance and mistrust between two people. It is nearly impossible to enjoy the connection you might desire with your partner when either, or both, of you have a jealous habit. And no matter how hard you might try to avoid or camouflage your jealous thoughts and reactions, they will be apparent. You might think your are "getting away" with hiding your jealousy, but if your mate is at all tuned in to you, he or she will be able to tell that something is unsettled and off. It could be that you readily admit that you tend to get jealous. Perhaps you use this habit as an excuse to put yourself down or see yourself as unworthy in some way. This resistance to an admittedly damaging habit is not going to move you closer to stopping your jealousy. In fact, pushing against anything almost always makes that unwanted thing bigger and more formidable. Instead, we advise you to acknowledge if jealousy is a habit for you. Recognize and admit it if you have a tendency to be jealous and then take the necessary steps to release it and learn new ways to be in your love relationship or marriage. Jess hates to admit that she is a jealous person. It seems like just about every relationship she's been in has come to an end, in part, because of her seeming inability to trust her partner. Some of Jess' past boyfriends have shown themselves to be untrustworthy and have proven her fears correct. She's been cheated on too many times. But there have also been former partner in Jess' life whom haven't deserved her suspicions and watchful eye. Her jealousy was completely unwarranted in these cases and it appeared to have driven the men away every time. Now that Jess' relationship with Rob seems to be getting serious, Jess is beginning to worry more about her jealous habit. Up until now, Jess feels like she's been able to keep her jealousy concealed and hidden. But she knows from past experience that the more involved she gets with a guy, the more intense her jealous feelings seem to become. She doesn't want to ruin this relationship with her jealousy. Own up to your jealous habit. When you acknowledge that you have a jealous habit, we're absolutely not recommending that you use this as your excuse to feel bad or worse about yourself. You can recognize a tendency that is not serving you without getting caught up in labeling yourself as "bad" or judging yourself in some other hurtful way. Instead, take responsibility for how you are feeling and for the assumptions you might be making. Direct your attention to the signs you may feel in your body or the thoughts you may usually have along with the jealousy. These are your clues and invitation to interrupt your habit. Look deeper at your jealousy. Are there past experiences that you need to make completions about? Perhaps you hold beliefs about yourself, your partner and relationships in general that feed your jealousy. With a clearer understanding of the roots of your jealous habit, you can more easily see the needs that aren't being met right now (or for a period of time in your life). Come up with at least 1 way that you can meet an unmet need you have. When Jess explores her jealous habit, she realizes that she has a belief that all men simply cannot be trusted. This belief has contributed to her expectation that every man in her life will let her down and that every partner she has will ultimately cheat. Jess decides that while she cannot control the choices that her partner makes, she can work to shift her expectations. Her friend Karen is a great listener and uplifting person to be around. Karen agrees to be a check-in person for Jess. Whenever Jess is starting to feel jealous or doubt Rob, she knows that she can call Karen who will help her become clearer about whether her worries are based on past beliefs or are rooted in the present. Learn new relationship habits. If you've had a jealous habit for some time, letting go and making changes might take a deliberate learning process on your part. Find resources that offer new ways to communicate with your mate, how to make requests in a relationship and even how to form new beliefs within yourself. Practice what you are reading and be easy with yourself if you do feel jealous from time to time. Be honest with your partner about your intention to release jealousy. You two can even share in this learning together. Jess finds the courage to tell Rob that she has had a jealous habit in the past and that she is committed to letting it go and developing new habits. He is open to supporting her as she finds ways to meet her needs and change her beliefs. Just as you acknowledged your jealous habit, be sure to recognize when you are making changes that help move you closer to your partner. They might seem small or insignificant, but celebrate these steps toward your jealousy-free life and know that more are coming!
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