"Is my workaholic husband
actually having an affair?"
By Susie and Otto Collins
Timothy has always been a career-oriented kind
of guy. Cindy knew
that when they first met. She admired his drive
and dedication to
his work and she still does-- to a point.
Cindy has grown accustomed to Timothy working
late at night at the
office and she's also mostly come to terms with
the fact that work
projects sometimes come before her, even if they
have tickets to a
play or plans to go out to dinner.
While Cindy doesn't like to feel as if she comes
second and
Timothy's career comes first, she's made a
certain amount of peace
with this fact. Going into their marriage she
knew about Timothy's
workaholic habits.
What upsets Cindy are her suspicions that her
husband might not be
as much of a workaholic as she originally
believed. She is starting
to wonder if he's actually been having an affair
and is using his
"work" as a cover.
Being in a relationship with someone who is a
workaholic is
difficult. Your partner's compulsion to work
long hours and strive
for perfection can create unique challenges to a
love relationship or
a marriage.
As Cindy has experienced, there can be a feeling
that you come
second and your man's work or career is his
priority. Agreements
that the two of you have made to spend more time
together connecting
can be broken as his work takes precedence. This
can erode trust and
lead to suspicions and questions.
It could be that weak trust because of his
workaholic tendencies is
contributing to your worries that he's actually
cheating. It might
be that you are
jealous, in part, because you
have lived for so long
feeling less important to your man than you want
to be.
It could also be that your suspicions are
accurate. Even though the
infidelity cover excuse, "Honey, I've got to
work late at the office"
has become a stereotype of cheating, it does
happen. Men (and women
too) continue to claim that they will be at the
office working on a
project when in fact they are having an affair.
If you're in a similar situation, the challenge
before you is to
find out the truth. If you're ready to be done
with the turmoil of
suspicion, mistrust and jealousy and you want to
know, once and for
all, what is going on with your man, it's time
to gather some facts.
Get your facts straight.
When you're with a man who is away from home a
lot and seems
distracted by his work, it can be difficult to
approach your
suspicions with a clear and calm head. But, this
is exactly what you
need to do.
Notice it when your mind begins to spin off into
images of what you
fear your partner might be doing when he says
he's working late at
the office. Don't continue to build on these
images and stories you
are telling yourself.
Acknowledge how you are feeling. Affirm to
yourself that you are
feeling worried, fearful, irritated, lonely,
suspicious or whatever
it is that you're feeling.
At the same time, start to question these
stories you might be
telling yourself regarding your spouse's actions
and words. Begin to
bring your focus back to the reliable
information that you do have
about him.
Be particularly aware of the inconsistencies
between what he says
he's doing (or where he's been) and what he
later says or does.
Notice it when his actions or words just don't
add up.
Your gut can tip you off that there's possibly
something awry in the
way that he interacts with you or some other
clue. You'll want to
follow up on this gut "tip" with some reliable
and indisputable facts
that might support or disprove your suspicions.
Set boundaries.
Even as you're trying to gather information and
come to a
determination of whether or not he's lying and
cheating, you
can set boundaries with your partner.
If you're trying to figure out whether or not
he's lying and
cheating, you might not want to let him know
about your information-gathering right away. But, you can still set
some boundaries.
For example, if he has a habit of canceling
plans at the last minute
and leaves you to either re-schedule or take
care of the
cancellation, you can stop being the one to
handle it. A boundary
that you might set with him is that HE will need
to make the calls to
re-schedule or cancel a reservation or whatever
is necessary.
Another option is for you to let him know that
you're going to go
ahead and do the activity or attend the party--
even if he backs out.
One guideline to remember as you set boundaries
with your man is to
NOT turn a boundary into an ultimatum.
Ultimatums set up an
"either/or" decision for your partner. "Either
you leave work now to
go to the party with me or you're going to be
sleeping on the couch,"
for example. Ultimatums often have a feeling of
punishment or
manipulation.
A boundary, on the other hand, is you being
clear about what you
will and will not do. Your partner presents you
with a situation--
such as him working late when you two had plans
to attend a party
together-- and you can now make your own
decision about what you will (and won't) do in response.
Decide your future.
At any point in your investigations or
boundary-setting, YOU get to
decide whether or not it's in your best interest
to stay in this
relationship. As intensely as you might not want
your relationship
to end, at some point you may decide that you're
unwilling to
continue to live with the mistrust, loneliness
and suspicion.
As you make this important decision, keep your
future in mind. What
kind of future do you want for yourself? Be as
clear and fact-based
as you can be when you weigh the information
that you have and then
choose what is best for you.
***************************************************************************
If you are struggling with suspicions or worries
that your partner is lying to you and having an
affair and you are ready to start the process of
finding out the truth, check out our new
program:
Where
There's Smoke There's Fire: How To Tell If Your
Man's a Cheating Liar.
P.O. Box 14544
Columbus, Ohio 43214
(614) 459-8121 Email
us
© 2011 Susie and Otto Collins. All Rights Reserved.
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