How to Talk with Your Partner about Your Suspicions that He or She is Cheating- Jealousy, Cheating and Lying- Relationship Advice

When (and How) to Talk with Your Partner About Your Suspicions
By Susie and Otto Collins

Charles has been simmering for several weeks now. His live-in girlfriend, Andi, hasn't been acting like herself. She's coming home later from work than usual and doesn't give him any explanation of where she's been and who she's been with.

It feels to Charles as if Andi is treating him more like a roommate than a lover and partner-- their lovemaking has become cold and automatic, when it happens at all.

Worst of all, when Charles tries to talk with Andi about these changes that he's noticing, she tells him that he's crazy. She turns everything around and acts as if Charles is making all of this up.

Andi even suggested that Charles see a psychiatrist to deal with his jealous delusions!

Have you noticed odd or changed behaviors of your partner that are worrisome? You might not know if your mate has fallen out of love with you, is having an affair, or is going through some inner turmoil.

It all probably seems mysterious-- and not in a good way!

Like Charles, you may have already tried to talk with your partner about the concerns and suspicions you are having. You might have been met with defensiveness, closing down or even the kind of backlash that Charles encountered.

It could also be that your mate tried to alleviate your suspicions by accounting for the changes. His or her words might have helped resolve your worries...or they may seem unreliable, evasive or downright untrue.

There are ways to talk with your partner about the suspicions that you are having.

But if your mate accuses you of being paranoid, delusional, crazy or something else, that would be your cue to step back and stop the conversation.

It might very well be that your suspicions are unfounded and inaccurate. In that case, your partner might be reacting to being falsely accused of something in a hurtful manner.

Or, it might be that what you are guessing about is absolutely true and the name calling is your mate's way of trying to deflect attention away from what's really going on.

Don't initiate a conversation about your suspicions until you have the facts.
It's wise to wait until you have information upon which you can rely before you communicate with your partner about your suspicions.

At that point, you will know if your suspicions are actually incorrect or if they are more than just suspicions; they are true.

You don't necessarily have to devote months and months to an investigation or hire a private detective, unless you really want to.

We encourage you to continue to nurture yourself during this difficult time. Don't become so fixated on your fears or worries that your partner is having an affair that this becomes your sole focus.

Do begin to notice when indisputable information comes up. It will usually be a collection of evidence that helps you determine whether or not your suspicions are true.

It might be the fact that your partner now keeps a spare change of clothes in his or her car. It could be the private and separate cell phone account that you discover your mate has recently set up. It may be the charges to your joint credit card that are for goods or services that make no sense to you.

Be aware of clues that you can see, hear, smell and possibly even make a record of.

When you decide to talk about what you've discovered, do so with clarity.
After you've put together a compilation of facts (perhaps a literal folder of evidence that you keep in a private location), you may decide that it's time to talk with your partner about this.

Even if it now seems to you that your suspicions were not true, you probably want to talk about the dynamics that are causing mistrust and distance between you two.

You may still have questions that you'd like your partner to answer. You might also want to have the truth out in the open once and for all.

When Andi returns home late one night, Charles meets her with a folder of information in his hands. Over the past weeks, he's discovered some surprising and upsetting things about her.

Most of it he was able to put together from the public comments other people made on Andi's pages on social networking sites.

Charles makes it a point to stay calm. As Andi attempts to call him delusional again, Charles tells her that he's had enough of her name-calling and possible cheating. He has decided to move out.

You might not know for sure if you want to break up or to stay in your relationship at this time. That's okay.

We do recommend that you come to this talk with a sense of clarity about what you do want.

You might be undecided about whether or not you will stay in or leave this relationship. At the same time, there are probably very specific things that you do know you want.

If you and your partner are sexually active right now, you might want to take a break from intimacy until you can be sure that he or she is not having an affair.

You may feel strongly about seeking help from a professional coach or counselor together or individually.

Before your talk, become clear within yourself about what requests you will make of your partner and what agreements you will propose. Then follow through and make the requests and create the agreements.

Ask yourself how flexible you are willing to be with these requests and agreements. Are there specific issues that are deal-breakers for you? If so, determine that before your talk.

If you are in a situation in which your partner continues to abuse you emotionally, physically, sexually or in other ways, get out and to a safe place. You cannot possibly communicate in healthy ways when abuse is going on.
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If you are struggling with suspicions or worries that your partner is lying to you and having an affair and you are ready to start the process of finding out the truth, check out our new program: Where There's Smoke There's Fire: How To Tell If Your Man's a Cheating Liar.