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"My partner wants to 'take a break.' How do I keep my jealousy under control?"By Susie and Otto Collins Rachel is upset and confused. She just got back from what was supposed to a great date with her long-time boyfriend, Sam. Unfortunately, there was nothing great about their date. Sam announced to Rachel that he wants to "take a break" from their relationship. He didn't give her much information about why he wants this break or how long it will last. In fact, he mainly told her this news, finished his cup of coffee and left the diner. He asked Rachel to keep her calling and texting to him at a minimum. After she picked her jaw up from the floor, Rachel got in her car and drove home. She's now left feeling unsure if Sam is having an affair, breaking up with her or if he just needs some space and will come back to their relationship sometime in the future. It happens all of the time. One person in a love relationship (or even marriage) lets the other person know that he or she wants to "take a break" or to separate. It could be that a betrayal of trust precipitated this announcement from your partner. It might be that you two had a big falling out just before you were told this news. Like Rachel, you might feel mostly confused about what "taking a break" means to your partner. You might also be feeling very jealous and suspicious because of this request. *Does it mean that you two are actually broken up and he or she just can't admit it? *Does it mean that you are allowed to stay in contact with your partner during this "break" time? *Does it mean that your partner is having an affair? *Does it mean that your relationship agreements are all null and void during the "break?" *How long will this "break" be anyway? Get clear. Even if your partner has made it known that he or she does not want you to call, text or e-mail during this time apart, insist on some communication first. Come to the discussion prepared with the questions that you want to have answered. Try to stay focused in on what you do know to be true and not on what your jealous fears or your unfounded suspicions might be causing you to think. If it helps, sit down with paper and pen and make a list of all of your questions. Look them over and choose the ones that are most important to you. These will be what you promise yourself you will ask during your communication. You can ask your partner, for example, if he or she wants to "take a break" because there's another person in the picture. This could be a very valid question that you want to know. However, without reliable evidence to back up your suspicions, you are setting yourself up for possibly more doubt and your partner's defensiveness too. Instead, you might ask your partner if he or she is willing to keep specific relationship agreements that you two have during this time apart, in particular, your agreement to be monogamous. While you cannot force your partner to keep any relationship agreement-- when you are together or when you are "taking a break"-- you can know where you stand and make those agreements. This will prevent misunderstandings about what was okay and not okay during the break. Again, having clear agreements and information like this may not guarantee that your partner won't cheat (or isn't cheating), it can help you ease your jealous mind, unless there are very real clues that infidelity is already going on. You can also ask your partner to set a specific date when this "break" will be over. This might not be a welcome suggestion to your mate, but it is only fair to you. You probably do not want to be waiting for him or her to sort out whatever is going on interminably. You could request that at a specific date, you two will get together and talk about whether ending the "break" and reuniting or ending the relationship is what you both want. Stay tuned in to what you want. This is what is most important now. As much as you might not want to lose your partner, you might not want to be in a love relationship or marriage that has this level of separation. It is up to you to decide if you are willing to consider your relationship as "together" when there is this "break." You might decide that you'd rather break up than deal with the not knowing. You might also decide that the terms of this "break" are reasonable and that you both might learn some valuable lessons that will eventually help your relationship. At all times, stay tuned in to what you want and need.
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