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Retroactive Jealousy Can Mess with Your Mind:
2 Ways to Stop It and Save Your Relationship
By Susie and Otto Collins
All too often, Jason feels as if there's another man sharing the bed
with he and his new wife Allison... sometimes it's many men. When
Jason and Allison's relationship started getting serious, she was
honest with him about the fact that she dated quite a few men in
college.
While Jason appreciates Allison's honesty, since that conversation
two years ago, he can't seem to get the image of Allison with another
man out of his head. Now that they are married, Jason's retroactive
jealousy seems to only be getting worse.
It makes no sense to Jason why he frequently feels suspicious and
worries that Allison will re-connect with one of these men from her
past-- she has given him no reason to doubt her commitment.
But he does.
He continues to perceive that these men-- who he's never even met--
are much more successful, muscular, better in bed and any number of
other ways better than he is. This makes Jason believe that one of
them will lure Allison away.
Jason is not only fearful that Allison will cheat with a man from
her past, he is also concerned that his jealousy will drive her away
and ruin their marriage.
"Retroactive jealousy" describes a situation in which a person
becomes envious of or fixates upon the past partners of his or her
mate.
This is a kind of time-traveling jealousy that can truly mess with
your mind.
As the person with retroactive jealousy becomes so focused in on
assumptions of how his or her mate kissed, talked, made love and
otherwise interacted with past partners, the jealous person can
easily become confused and have a difficult time knowing what's truly
going on.
Suspicions that the partner is cheating-- or will soon cheat-- can
develop.
We are in no way saying that those who have retroactive jealousy
should shove down or ignore their concerns and any warning bells that
might be going off about their mate.
We do strongly encourage people like this to learn how to stop
retroactive jealousy so that they can accurately assess the state of
their current relationship.
When you live with a lot of past relationship "ghosts," this can be
a challenge, we know. This is why we offer you these tips...
#1: Train yourself to pause.
So many of us merely react to what's going on in our lives. We are
triggered when something happens and we speak or take some action
before really thinking it through.
This trigger might come from outside you-- your mate's mention of a
past relationship or finding an old photo of your partner and his or
her ex, for example. The trigger might come primarily from inside
you-- your imagination takes off envisioning a shared moment between
your mate and a past partner.
In either case, when the trigger occurs, you are likely to have a
reaction. This might even mean that you start interrogating your ex
in a jealous way. This may also mean that you feel worse about your
own self as a person and partner.
You can train yourself to pause instead.
We won't kid you here....This requires deliberation, persistence and
patience.
You may not pause every time (or it may not happen at all at first),
but stick with this.
To develop the habit of pausing, you need to practice it. Pick a
commonly occurring situation that is not connected to your love
relationship or marriage. Choose one that is less emotionally charged
than is your retroactive jealousy.
For example, you may tend to snap at a co-worker who irritates you.
Catch yourself just as the annoyance level starts to rise. Instead
of making the snide or sarcastic comment to (or about) this person,
take a deep breath instead.
Go within yourself and just pay attention to the feelings that are
bubbling up about this situation. In the few moments that it takes
to pause and do this, you can choose a response.
Will you go ahead and make the snide comment anyway? Will you
decide not to engage with this person and return to your own office
or desk? Will you say something else to the person, perhaps
something kinder or let him or her know in a gentle way that you'd
like the annoying behavior to stop?
The power of the pause is that it gives you the opportunity to
choose. You don't have to be at the mercy of your reactions anymore.
As you begin to see what pausing feels like and how it can improve a
situation, you can start pausing before you react from your jealousy
in your love relationship or marriage.
#2: Learn how to return to the present moment.
If you have retroactive jealousy, one thing that you absolutely need
to learn how to do is to come back to this moment.
When you fixate on your partner's past relationships and start to
play the game of comparing yourself (and your relationship) with what
you assume the past to be like, you are certainly NOT living in the
present moment.
In the space that is provided by the pause, you can re-direct
yourself away from the past-- that you are only imagining anyway--
and back to the present.
Think about the toddler whose attention is drawn to something
potentially dangerous, such as a candle flame. The adults watching
out for this little one might make the statement that the fire is
hot. But, ultimately, those adults who want to keep the toddler safe
from harm probably bring out a toy to amuse the child or even turn
him or her away from the potential danger.
You can re-direct yourself in much the same way.
After you pause, become aware of your breathing. In and out, in and
out. Use your breath to help bring you back to yourself.
Next, consciously steer your attention away from the past and what
you may have been imagining about your mate and former partners. Find
something upon which to re-focus that is in this present moment.
You might look more closely at your physical surroundings-- really
feel them and experience them with all of your senses.
You could also list off all of the things about your marriage or
relationship that are occurring right now and that you absolutely
know to be true (no guesses).
There is a valuable clarity that comes with pausing after being
triggered and then coming back to the present moment. It is this
clarity that can help you know what is really true about yourself,
your partner and your love relationship or marriage.
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Want more help determining whether or not your man is lying and
cheating? Click here for our free report.
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