Is Porn a "Gateway" to Infidelity?
By Susie and Otto Collins
Carrie's live-in boyfriend, Ethan, likes porn.
He visits adult porn
websites on the internet, he reads pornographic
magazines and
sometimes he watches XXX-rated movies. This is
something that Carrie
has always known about Ethan and it's something
that she's never been
comfortable with.
She thought that, as their relationship
progressed, Ethan would give
up the porn. Carrie believed that she would
eventually become so
important to him that he'd lose interest in the
pornography.
Unfortunately, this has not proved to be the
case.
Not only is Carrie turned off by the pornography
that Ethan watches,
she feels threatened by it. Every time that
Ethan looks at other
women doing sexual things online or in a
magazine or movie, it
indicates to Carrie that she is not enough for
him.
She takes it as a criticism of her own sexual
attractiveness that he
likes (and regularly watches) porn. In fact,
Carrie worries that
Ethan will eventually have an affair because of
the porn and because
of her own perceived inadequacies.
Ethan mostly tells Carrie that she's
over-reacting and dismisses her
objections to porn as just her being jealous.
If your man watches pornography and you don't
like it, you may feel
much the same way that Carrie does. It might
seem to you that
pornography is both an indication of your
partner's dissatisfaction
with you and your relationship and also a
gateway to infidelity.
So, is pornography just one step away from
cheating?
Our answer is this... not necessarily, but
possibly.
In and of itself, your man's use of pornography
is not a sign that
he is going to have an affair. Lots of people
have lots of different
opinions about pornography. We are not going to
come out and say
that it is wholly "good" or "bad."
We do encourage you to really look at your own
opinion of porn and
the role that both porn and you and your
partner's communications
about it play in your relationship.
As a general rule, we believe that if
pornography seems to be taking
you and your partner further apart from one
another, it's probably
not beneficial to you (at least not in the way
it's showing up right
now).
It is possible for a couple to use porn
(especially certain types of
pornography) as a way to enhance their sexual
intimacy and move
closer to one another.
If porn seems to trigger jealousy for you and if
you fear that it
means your partner is unhappy and will cheat,
this is NOT you two
moving closer together.
Here's what to do to turn around your jealousy
and conflicts about
porn...
Stop comparing and storytelling.
If you have a habit of holding yourself up to
some image of a
sexualized woman in a magazine or movie, stop
right there.
As you might already know, most of the time
these images have been
digitally altered and enhanced. Remember this
and don't put yourself
down for not looking like the women in porn-- or
any other images of
women in the media.
It is also in your best interests to stop
telling yourself stories
about what it means when your partner looks
through a pornographic
magazine or watches an XXX-rated movie.
If you really want to know what draws him in to
the porn, you might
ask. Do this from a place of curiosity and not
with hostility or
criticism. Perhaps your more accurate
understanding of why your man
likes porn will help you feel less threatened by
it.
Resist the urge to "read into" what he tells
you. Instead, listen
and learn. There might possibly be needs that he
has that are not
being met in your relationship. You could also
talk about your
sexual needs and desires too.
Create clear agreements.
If your man's use of pornography bothers you, go
within yourself and
try to figure out why. Are you morally opposed
to it? Do you feel like it degrades women and this is why it upsets
you? Would you
rather he spend time and energy on you instead
of porn? Do you
mostly feel jealous and fearful that this will
lead to cheating?
Everything that you feel is valid-- but, this
doesn't necessarily
mean that you want to act on it all. Again,
separate out your
feelings from the stories that you might be
telling yourself about
your partner's use of porn.
It is up to you to decide what kind of
agreements about porn that
you want to propose to your man.
For example, you might ask him to only watch
porn when you are not
awake or at home so that you don't have to be
around it. You could
also request that he invite you to make love
with him if he is
feeling turned on first, before reaching for a
porn magazine or dvd.
Whatever agreement that you two create, make
sure that it is one
that you both feel comfortable with. This
agreement should not feel
like either of you has "given in" or "lost."
Instead, work to find
possible resolutions that will actually improve
communication, your
intimacy and your overall connection.
*************************************************************************
If you feel suspicious and worry that your man
is lying to you and maybe having an affair,
click here for the free report:
"The 12 Biggest Relationship-Killing Mistakes
You Could Be Making If You Suspect That Your Man
Is Lying or Cheating."
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