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Is it Time
to Kick Your Lying and Cheating Husband to the
Curb?
By Susie and Otto Collins
When you know that your husband is lying to you
and cheating on you,
it can be difficult to know when it's been
enough. Of course, you've
probably had enough of the lying and cheating,
but you might be less
certain of whether he (and your marriage) should
get a second chance.
How can you know when it's time to kick him to
the curb?
Okay, we know. The whole phrase "kick him to the
curb" is a bit
harsh. We don't literally advise anyone to kick
anyone else to the
curb-- or to kick him (or her) at all.
And, we most definitely do not want to give you
the impression that
we believe that only men lie and cheat. We know
all too well that
both men AND women have affairs and then lie
about it.
The question remains, how can you tell if your
marriage is so broken
that the best thing for all involved would be
for you two to break
up?
What are the signs that your husband (or wife)
will never change--
or at least won't change anytime soon-- and you
will only continue to
be hurt by him (or her)?
These are all valid questions and none of them
have easy answers.
An outsider might hear the news that your spouse
has cheated and
immediately declare that you need to get him or
her out of your life
for good!
But it's not always that simple, is it? People
stay with a spouse
that might even still be cheating and lying for
various reasons.
Here are a few:
--They may believe that they will never find
another mate and that
this is as good as it gets.
--They may not be able to financially support
themselves at this
time.
--They may worry that they are just
over-reacting and being jealous.
--They may assume that their children would be
permanently scarred
to have to go through parents divorcing.
--They may hope that their spouse will really
change, for the
better, this time.
There are quite a few compelling and logical
reasons for staying in
your marriage, even when your spouse is lying
and cheating (or has in
the past). There is a chance that your partner
might actually change
and the two of you could re-build your
relationship, after all.
We aren't here to tell you flat-out whether you
should stay in or
whether you should leave your marriage.
What we are going to do is to offer advice so
that you can make this
important choice for yourself.
You get to decide your limits and boundaries.
First of all, we encourage you to go within
yourself and become very
clear about what your limits and boundaries are.
While you cannot
"make" your spouse do anything, you can know
what you will and will
not tolerate.
It is wise, for example, to protect your sexual
health-- especially
if you and your partner are still sexually
intimate with one another.
You might insist upon having only protected sex
with him or her or
you could request that you both go get tested
for sexually
transmitted diseases (STDs).
If your spouse has not ended the affair (or if
you aren't certain
that he or she has actually ended it), determine
your boundaries. By
what date do you want indisputable proof that
your partner has
stopped the affair? What form will this proof
take?
You might want some space right now so that you
can sort through how
you are feeling. You could set up a temporary
time, perhaps a month,
in which you and your partner will sleep in
separate bedrooms.
Regardless of whether or not sleeping separately
appeals to you, it
may be helpful to request that you and your
partner-- either together
or individually-- meet with a trained coach or
counselor.
You can look for signs that your marriage really
is over.
Become an observer of your own relationship if
you are looking for
reliable signs that your marriage is over and
it's time for you to
move on.
Some of these signs can include: feeling distant
and as if you two
are leading separate lives; a complete and
consistent inability to
communicate; hesitancy when making plans for a
future together; abuse
of any kind.
*Please note: It is possible to re-connect and
re-build your
marriage even if one or more of these signs is
present in your
relationship. If you are being abused (or you
are being abusive),
please seek help and get away from your partner
as soon as you
possibly can.
You can look for signs that there is hope for a
future together.
As you are observing your usual interactions
with your mate and
trying to decide whether your marriage deserves
a second chance, you
can also watch for any signs that you might be
able to repair the
damage and reunite.
Here are a few promising clues: you two are able
to agree and come
to peaceful resolution about some issues; your
partner makes promises
and then follows through with them (even about
"small" matters); you
are both willing to identify disconnecting
relationship habits (including jealousy and
infidelity) and
you are both willing to make changes.
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