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Communication Advice to Help You Ask Difficult QuestionsBy Susie and Otto Collins One unfortunate side effect of jealousy is the toll it takes on communication in your love relationship or marriage. If you have a tendency to get jealous easily, you might do a couple of things... 1)You might find yourself saying (or doing) things out of jealousy that you later regret. Suspicions, allegations and interrogations might pop out of your mouth before you can really think about what you're saying. This will only intensify the tension and conflict in your relationship-- and it probably won't help you get answers that ease your worries either. 2)You might hold back and remain silent about the many questions that are running through your mind. For fear of starting an argument or driving away your partner, you may find yourself NOT speaking, even when there are possible clues to indicate that you do need to get some more information. As you probably already know, neither of these ways of communicating (or not communicating) are beneficial to you or your relationship. Neither spouting off your suspicions nor biting back your questions are helpful if you are trying to create a close, connected and trust-filled relationship. Instead, we recommend that you find a way to differentiate between your jealousy and those questions you have that come from tangible and reliable information. Yes, those gut instincts are important, but you've got to make sure that what you're "hearing" from within is truly a gut instinct and not a fearful expectation. Here are a few questions to get you started making that differentiation... -- Does what you're "hearing" from within about yourself and your relationship sound more like negative self-talk or like an observation? -- Does the message seem to be coming more from your thoughts about the past or from tangible information you have about right now? -- Do you notice that what you're "hearing" includes a lot of generalizing words such as: "always" and "never?" Usually, jealous thoughts will be more rooted in the past, in your insecurities or low self esteem and will be generalizations and expectations (based on trends you see in others or from your past experiences). A gut instinct will come from reliable and tangible information-- even if you haven't completely verified it yet. Don't just ignore or pretend that your jealousy isn't there. Address the very real emotional pain that is fueling your jealousy. Make completions with your past and keep bringing yourself back to what you know. Ask difficult questions from curiosity. Once you are clearer about what is jealousy and what is reliable information, you have done the advance work. If at all possible, wait until you are as clear as you can be before going to your partner with your questions. Another piece of advance work that's advisable is for you to actually write down the questions that are most important to you right now. In the middle of a conversation-- that may be uncomfortable-- it can be easy to get side-tracked or flustered. You want to be sure you are asking your partner what you really want to know. When you do sit down with your partner, try to pose these questions in a way that is not accusatory or in the form of an interrogation. This might be a challenge, but try anyway. Invite yourself to adopt the attitude of being curious and really wanting to know the answer that your partner provides. Really listen to what he or she says in response to your question. Don't allow your worries or guesses about what's true to temporarily "deafen" you to what your partner is saying. While it's vital to really listen, notice it if there are inconsistencies between what he or she is saying and what you have tangible proof about. There's a fine line between being wise AND trying to catch your mate in a lie. Just be aware of that line and try to stay on the wise side of it. If you do hear something from your partner that doesn't make sense or just doesn't add up, take a deep breath. Again, try not to jump to a conclusion or react from your jealousy. Ask him or her to "Please tell me more..." or to clarify (be specific) so that you can better understand the answer. After hearing this additional information from your partner, you can make a decision about whether or not this seems plausible and meshes with what you do know. If you do catch your partner in a lie or you feel like you simply cannot believe anything that he or she says, it might not be effective for you to try to communicate your questions to him or her. This might be the time to get help from a professional counselor or coach. It might also mean that you'll need to find reliable information in other ways. _______________________________________________ If you are struggling with suspicions or worries that your partner is lying to you and having an affair and you are ready to start the process of finding out the truth, check out our new program: Where There's Smoke There's Fire: How To Tell If Your Man's a Cheating Liar.
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