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"The Woman Who Cried Affair!": Tips to Help You Know When to Speak Up about Your Suspicions
By Susie and Otto Collins
Most of us have heard the story of the boy who cried wolf. This is
the classic fable of the bored shepherd boy who raised the alarm and
claimed that a wolf was endangering the sheep (and the village) when,
in fact, there was no threat time and time again...
Until, an actual wolf did show up. At that point, the boy had
falsely cried wolf so many times, the villagers did not believe him.
Consequently, this fable does not end well for the sheep or the
shepherd boy.
If you have a history of being suspicious and jealous, you might be
somewhat like the boy who cried wolf-- even if you aren't intending
to be that way.
Perhaps your jealous fears have led you to truly perceive that your
partner is having an affair, or is considering having one. Maybe you
shared these suspicions with your friends, family and have even
confronted your man.
On these past occasions, it has turned out that you were not reading
the situation accurately and your suspicions were unfounded.
Until now.
Now, you are picking up on strange and out of character behaviors
from your man. This time it seems different. You are truly worried
that he is actually cheating.
But, nobody will believe you because of your past jealous habits and
accusations. Your man may even use your history of making
unwarranted accusations as a way to discount what you are saying now.
How can you know with certainty that what seems to be suspicious,
this time, is actually suspicious?
When you have been the "woman who cried affair," how can you be
heard and trust your own self?
Do the inner work first.
When you have a jealous habit, you sometimes say and do things that
are motivated by those fears and worries that come from jealousy.
These suspicions may have been found out to be untrue once you
really looked at the facts.
At the same time, when jealousy is present in a love relationship or
marriage, it is usually because there is some level of disconnection
and mistrust between the two people.
Yes, of course, the one who is jealous may be reacting from a past
relationship or from low self esteem. But, this is usually fed by
dynamics in the relationship that feed the jealousy.
Even if you have a history of falsely accusing your man of lying and
cheating, don't completely discount what you think you are seeing.
It could very well be that there is something going on. It could
also be that there is nothing going on, but that you and your partner
need to bolster trust and improve your communication.
One way to do the inner work when it comes to jealousy and your
suspicions is to write out what you are seeing and perceiving.
Beside every thought or belief you write down, include the physical
evidence that you have to support this belief.
For example, if you write down, "I think my man is cheating on me,"
be sure to list the specific reasons why you believe this. Include
everything from unexplained changes in his appearance and habits to
lies that you've caught him in.
Wait to speak up until you are sure about what's going on.
When it comes down to it, what matters most is that you feel
absolutely certain about what you know to be true. It matters less
what your friends and family think and even what your partner claims.
Until you have all of the information you need to state with
assurance that you know that he is or is not having an affair, it's
probably best to keep your suspicions to yourself.
In the meantime, if you feel the need for support from trusted
friends or family members, you can certainly share with them that you
are working through some difficult relationship issues and that you
would like their advice, a hug, a sounding board, someone to
listen...or whatever it is you need.
We recommend that you confide in only a few people and that these be
friends or family you completely trust.
After you've compiled your list of suspicions and evidence, it's up
to you to make a final assessment and choose your next move.
However, you will undoubtedly feel more confident about whatever
move that is if you are basing your decision on facts you can rely
upon and not on mere jealousy.
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© 2011 Susie and Otto Collins. All Rights Reserved.
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